NAWAWALANG BLOGGER

memories and questions

2012-02-04T15:56:00.003+08:00

my story begins with, "it all started with a memory.." funny thing is, before i can even get to the next clause of the sentence, i had to stop and realise that memories are a funny thing. that even as convinced as you are with what you think may have happened, you may actually be false.

i had to stop because for once in my life, i was unsure if i could trust my memory. i was hurt, i was young, i was confused. could i have really remembered things the way they are? or is it possible that with all the emotional junk i was feeling back then, i started creating a memory that didnt exist.

and now im doubtful if i could trust my memories. im adamant to answer people's question or to obliged them when they ask for stories or have me recall the past.

have you ever doubted your memories? or are you always sure that what you remember are facts?how can you tell? how will you know?

Things I want but can't afford at the moment

2011-09-17T04:28:00.000+08:00

* White and purple lacoste shoes worth AED 340
* Paul smith look-a-like overnight bag from paperchase - AED 189
* black skull laptop sleeve for norrin radd - AED 119
* matching black skull bagpack - AED 159 (I think, I don't remember the exact price)
* matching black skull iPhone case - AED 99
* aravind adiga's new book, last man in tower - AED 80
* forever21 flowery dress - AED 99
* nude la senza underwear - AED 89
* moleskin ruled notebook - AED 63
* surfing lessons - AED 200/per session
* diving lessons - AED 1890 for four dives and certification
* pull and bear shirt - AED 99
* laptop skin for norrin radd - AED 59
* Paul Mitchell hair serum - AED 89

I can't think of any more at the moment but I sure want/ need lotsa things!

Back from the dead

2011-09-10T23:48:00.002+08:00

So I haven't been posting in the past few days. Well mostly because I can't think of anything to write about.

I was going to write about how surfing is like life but then I actually didn't get to surf at all, so my discussion would be invalid; because how can one try to parallel two things when one hasn't experience the other thing.

Anyway, I digress. So what would it take for me to write. Truth is, my writing process is a little weird. It normally starts with a picture. Like a still image. Like a photograph. In example, this story started from an image of two lovers under a tree. Thats literally how that story began; from that particular image, I thought of what could be a story from it.

Then from that single image, an ending; which is normally the easiest part because Im really not a sucker for happy ending, so it's a no brainer, it's never happy; the very least it's open ended.

When I have an ending, I think of a turning point (the premise and/or climax of the whole thing in a form of conversation), which usually encompasses the whole story. For the "lab story" , it was when Ynah said that "i dont get it." From that particular phrase, the story (at least to me) started unfolding.

When I have all of that, I then think of a conflict. Conflict has always been the hardest for me to write. What would the problem be that led to this particular picture or the ending for that matter. for this particular story i knew that they werent going to end up together but i had to think of why. i couldnt use the best friend angle because i used that once before already (post was deleted). i also couldnt use the f*ck buddy angle because that was my premise for the test. so it took a while to think of the body of the story but i did get it through after a few hours of thinking. which is the other problem for me. a lot of my stories gets unpublished (at least in my blog) mostly because i cant find the conflict i need to make the story interesting but apart of that, i dont nurture images or conversations that refuse to birth a conflict, and unfortunately, i forget if i cant think of a conflict.

so anyway, the whole point of this particular entry is that, i do have another image in mind. the heart of the conversation or what could start the conflict but i still dont have the actual conflict. ive been brewing it since this afternoon and its 8 past in the evening and i still cant think of anything, hopefully i think of a good conflict so this blog could have some life. lol :)

any suggestions??

why i love aj rafael

2011-09-05T12:54:00.002+08:00

two nights ago, i was lying in bed and was really tired. i wanted to go to sleep but i couldnt. ive developed this habit of listening to anything to get to sleep. ive gotten bored of listening to maroon 5's album because it was the same day that the album was continually on loop thrice. (i know, i need more music in my phone)

so anyway, i was lying in bed and i thought that i should really start working on a new story or at least write a script for my past stories. but ive always been hitting a wall every time i try to write a script as ive always wanted to find the perfect song for every storyline. and then i thought, what better way to start the writing process than to look for a song that would fit any of my stories and my what could be's.

i am a big fan of wong fu productions and i know they belong to a large youtube community of artist. so i decided to start looking from their page. i like david choi but i didnt find any of his music that would suit my stories or any would be's.

and then..

i found him..

and i fell in love

so why do i love him?

a) he's a musician (i have a thing for musicians)
b) he plays the piano (im a frustrated pianist)
c) he's younger than me (i have a thing for younger men)
d) he has an amazing voice (click the video to listen)
e) he's filipino (born and raised in america but filipino nonetheless)
f) he's a firstborn (it seems i have a thing for firstborns too. lol)
g) i just love him. i think that pretty much sums it up. lol

so yeah, i havent been a fangirl since i was with itchyworm's chino.. looks like i have a new obsession. lol

spiritual family

2011-09-04T23:59:00.002+08:00

probably the best thing that has ever happened to me, spiritually speaking - after my salvation, i would say that it would be finding my spiritual family - 12stone

my church (it makes me giddy excited to call it mine or to think that I'm part of it :) is based in lawrenceville, georgia and headed by Pastor Kevin Myers whom we (year! i still can't get over the fact that i am part of this church!) we like to call PK.

since i am unable to fly myself out to georgia every sunday, we have an online campus that streams all our services every sunday at 10am and 6pm EST, MOnday's at 8:00pm EST and now TUesday's at 12:10pm. when i can i go to the 10am service, which is 7:00pm dubai time with DST and 8:00 without. when i miss it i try to wake up at 4am for the monday, 8pm service. if i still miss it, our services are recorded and can be downloaded as mp3 in iTunes :)

what's amazing is, we're holding a new service every tuesday, that mean, i can catch the service at 6am wednesday morning my time when i miss the sunday and monday service. :) and since our online campus is growing, Pastor Matt Hayes, the online campus pastor started asking volunteers who would want to help. (i know i keep saying I'm giddy excited about this, but i truly most absolutely am) and i just volunteered. pastor matt has received my email and i am expecting him to email me back soon :)

i told him about being here in uae and he said that there should be no worries, there are lots of ways that we can serve god. i am excited about that a lot :)

the reason why I'm so excited about this is because I've recently recommitted my life to god. I'm done being a fan and is now a full pledged follower. i know there's so much risk in being public with my faith, as people would look at me differently and would expect much more and that scares me a lot but i am in faith that god's grace will sustain me.

i am stepping out of my comfort zone. I'm anxious but I'm willing to become a movable piece in god's will.

so far, i haven't done much but to actually recommit and change the way that i think, also to genuinely change the way that i am, but god is even faithful at this time, showering me with his blessings. i know that to those that much is given, much is required and that god is requiring much from me now, but i will run the race and hold on to the prize that which god has already won for me, even if it means i have to crawl to the finish line :)

now back to reading cs lewis! the series at church is done already and i haven't finished reading the reference book :)

hope everyone will be blessed by god in different ways :)

what makes us

2011-09-03T13:30:00.005+08:00

last night, i was chatting with koo about.. well, about something personal.

she felt that whatever she was doing (on not doing) wasn't enough. so i told her to write. my exact words were "WRITE. because that's what were made of. WORDS make us."

it is amazing how i get poetic in times like these (well, times when i am into the conversation, i guess, is what i mean). but I'm actually writing this blog post to correct myself. this morning as i checked my twitter account, i found that koo tweeted these words to her followers and if somehow, her followers get to see that and believe that, i want to correct myself.

we are not made of words. we are not made up of JUST words. we are words and memories. things that happened, things that we remember, things we wish not to remember. that's us. and how we string them together as words, how we relate to other people how it happened, how we wish it would've happened, or in the worst cases, how we wish it didn't happen.

we are a body of words and memories.

unfortunately, those words and memories are not always happy ones that we fondly recall or write. sometimes they are sprinkled with pain and dashed with tears.

but i will still say write. write even if no one is reading. write even if the grammar is wrong or the syntax is incorrect, even if no one else understands what you want to say but yourself. write. and when you're done, write some more.

write until the ink from your pen has cried the tears that your body refuse to dispel, until you get carpal tunnel from typing all day long at the computer. until your vision is blurry from staring at the monitor so long. write until you cannot anymore. then write some more. record your thoughts, speak into a recorder, have someone write for you. write. because really that's what we're made of, that is what memories and words make us - writers. (or in my case, wannabe writer)

so write.

reset button

2011-09-02T21:34:00.001+08:00

so i tinkered with the new blogger interface and i ended up "ruining" my page and it just frustrates me so that i cannot turn it back.

isnt it the same thing with life? something new comes along and we get curious, we want to try it out, we want to see what its like and before we know it, we hate the results and we just want a reset. wouldnt it be wonderful if life had a reset button? just say out loud how this was nothing you thought it would be or how you dont like how it is or that you were wrong in the first place to even try it? and bam alakazam! reset. life as it was.

if only.

if only.. because i would love to have that reset on this blog page and put it back the way it was..

*sigh*

standard log in

2011-09-01T02:13:00.002+08:00

so earlier today, my good friend em, posted an audio link of tune in crew's remix version of beyonce's best i never had. i liked it, so i went ahead and googled the song, which directed me to sound cloud. i got curious (i know?! its a vicious cycle!) and i wanted to check out what sound cloud was all about. but as much as i like reading, i don't like reading the technical how-to's of websites, normally, i sign up for these kinds of things without forethought and blindly learn what its all about.

going back to the point of this whole story, (I'm getting there, i promise!), i wanted to check the website out but i didn't want to sign up and have to go through the rigamarole of putting in my email add and info, verifying my registration before i can finally go about and do my business at their site. which led me to thinking (and here's the point of all this ranting) wouldn't it be nice (if we we're older /sings, [no, not the song. and yes, if you're not yet familiar by now, i do like to talk to myself a lot. and at this point, i am also talking to myself. but i digress, i was thinking, wouldn't it be nice if you can have a standard log in for trying out websites??

i mean, wouldn't it great if you would just have say one log in username and password for logging on to websites and trying out what they offer??

but then again, wouldn't it be better if websites would have free trial pages pages where one wouldn't have to necessarily sign up to get to try what they have to offer??

clutter

2011-08-31T15:07:00.021+08:00

click photo for larger resolution

for someone this cluttered you would think id be oozing of artistic juices, overflowing even. sad to say though, I'm not. I'm just a lazy ass writer-wannabe who... wait for it.. ok. there's nothing else after that. lol

but seriously i should start cleaning up eh!? but i like my mess. its like what charlie epps (david krumholtz) used to say in numbers, "there is symmetry in my chaos"

i am actually sitting here debating on cleaning up my mess or writing, right now nothing is winning. and I'm blogging instead. lol

so let me just itemized my clutter.

click photo for larger resolution

1) is the edge of the monopoly here and now box that i bought but have only played once (with myself, i know, such a loser) yet

2) the macgrudy's paper bag that the monopoly came with. i have a thing for paper bags and cannot part with them

3) baby's school bag that i have yet to send to him

4, 5 and 6) the bath and body works spoils that i bought for friends and family when there was a crazy sale. only bag number 6 actually contains the goods, i just can't part with paper bags i tell you

7) the bible i got from cyndi and what i use to follow the services at

12stone.com

8) my prayer/spirtual notebook that koo got for my birthday two years ago, used to be my dear love notebook

9) the box for my straightener/curler

10) the plastic bag that came with my iPhone case

11) our telephone

12) the actual straightener/curler

13) my nike overnight bag from two weeks ago's trip to auh, still contains some of the stuff i need to put back in my closet

14) mbp charger

15) iPhone box with the charger, usb connecter - basically everything else but the phone itself

16) dell charger

17) norrin radd - my mbp

18) the mbp box, with everything in there except the charger and the mob itself

19) itouch's usb connecter - I'm not sure if this is my sister's or my brother in law's, its definitely not my old itouch's or my iPhone's

20, 21, 22, 23) HOBBES and my sister's toys (i don't know their names)

24) pammee, the night fox from yoo-hoo and friends that i got two weeks ago along with the monopoly, she is somehow tangled with the dell charger

25) my face wipes, on nights that i don't feel like washing my face, which is every night. lol

26) my make up kit

27) garett's popcorn from yesterday

28) my leg

29) the dell laptop that i still use to watch the series i have downloaded and still downloading :)

30) toiletries who have no business being in the living room. lol

so that's about it. hope i get the drive to clean my mess up. lol

me + ios 5 = excite!

2011-08-24T15:08:00.015+08:00

im super excited about the ios 5.

ios 5

as you (the two people that read my blog and that even includes me. lol) ive recently acquired my latest mac baby, an MBP i named norinn radd. ive also just got an iphone4 (so this is the dead me, blogging - inside joke reference check previous post) i named mantis. and i have had tyler prince, my ipod touch, since early this year (but will be passed on to my brother who is in the philippines.

anyway, im super excited because ive never really given much thought about ios 5. i was pretty satisfied to be able to upgrade for free for my os lion and couldnt care much about the iphone 5 (as ive previously reconciled that i wont be able to afford it. lol) but ive been having trouble with my mobileme (couldnt log in from my mbp) account and cant quite fully comprehend the icloud app. so i read up. and landed on apple's website only to learn more about ios 5.

notifications

i think by far, the notifications would be the best thing about the ios5. if you've ever had an itouch, iphone or ipad, you know that the old notification shows up in the middle of the screen as a blue box and that you cant do anything else unless you either close or view that notification. for the new ios5, notification shows up at the top of your screen and, from my understanding, still lets you finish what you're currently doing before you give it the time of the day.

messages.

one of the other things im super excited about ios5 is its capacity to send unlimited messages provided that all your system is connected to the internet.

reminders.

im fairly new to mbp, so im not sure if reminders is something old but as far as i know, there isnt one for itouch. i like this a lot because i like making notes, random thoughts, things i have to buy, tiny poetry. also, i like to be reminded about things i have to do, series i have to download and those sorts.

twitter

mac is making all social networking sites a run for their money. with the update of the new ios5, twitter is being integrated in most apps. tweet away a photo, a video or even a map. no need for facebook check in or sharing a link or youtube video, everything is a tweet away with the ios 5.

camera

camwhores unite! i love love love the idea that i dont have to unlock my device to be able to take photos. or the fact that i can use volume up as an alternate shutter button. there's also updates to be able to auto focus and pinch to zoom. there's also photo enhancements for your photos, such as auto enhance and red eye reduction. its like a mobile photoshop (or paint)!

pc-free

no need to connect your device to a mac or pc. you can activate and update wirelessly! no need to wait to get home or to a computer to be able to use your device, no need for wires or usb!

above all, the icloud comes with the update. so you'd be able to sync all your files together. save a photo, file, music, video in your icloud and all your other icloud location will show your files, talk about connectivity huh?!

so i know i know. im such a geek, fussing over something that's not yet here and something i havent tried.. but but but!! i do feel excited. ios5 and icloud comes in the fall, so it should be around september. never mind that that new iphone5 has better face camera resolution than the old ones, the software updates makes up so much for everything else that the "old" devices may lack.

ps. all photos grabbed from http://www.apple.com

pps. no, im not being paid by apple with this blog post

summer

2011-08-23T23:34:00.002+08:00

dear love,

its not question that i am picky; with the things i eat, the clothes i wear, the places i visit - those are some of the things i could think of...

i hate the heat. i love summer and being on a beach but i hate the heat. i hate that icky feeling that you get when its too hot and you just can't wait to get out of your jeans or get in the shower.

so love, let me tell you. i will not hold your hand when its hot. partly because my hands will probably be sweaty and i hate that. if you play any contact sport and win, its highly likely that i will tell you off and won't hug you or kiss you to congratulate you but would even go to so much length as to avoid personal contact at least until you've showered.

love, i pray you understand. it does not mean that i am embarrassed or that i don't like you anymore, i just don't like that icky feeling when you or i am sweaty.

so love me better if its cold. i am a better lover then. i will hug and cuddle even when our feet is cold or when the blanket's too small for both of us. i would still kiss you even if i can barely breathe or exhaling fog out of my mouth.

welcome me in winter. warm me in your arms.

love,
your beloved

on being contradictory

2011-08-23T00:18:00.002+08:00

remember when i said that i wouldnt be caught dead with an iphone?

i mustve died already because somehow, i have this new system :) and it makes me giddy all over. im gonna call it Mantis. as in silver surfer's love interest. im no comic book fan and i had to google her to find out if she even exist but there's a backstory somewhere there that i cant share yet :)

my brother is going to get Tyler Prince (my 4th gen ipod touch) and he'll prolly change his name, maybe even remove the name altogether. Tyler and i have had our run, he didnt find his match because i was unable to get my hands on a macbook which i originally planned to call Sydney White..

so there. i am now exploring Mantis in hopes that my curiosity will be satisfied. lol :)

giddy giddy! i dont have much words!!

Randomness

2011-08-13T14:06:00.002+08:00

Random stuff you have to know about me:

1) I have an ongoing love affair with the Internet. I may not be obviously visible, as I don't update my blog(s) much or post status and/or photos on any and every social networking site that I have signed up for, but it does not mean that I am not online. I'm internet's silent mistress.

2) I am not insistent. I would be the worst sales person in the world. If client says no, one time, I walk away. Same thing with friends, people, family and especially, acquaintances. All I need is a yes or a no. Do not expect me to beg you to do stuff for me or go places with me when you're clearly unsure of what you want. I will not argue with you about getting things my way. It's either you want it or you don't. End of the conversation.

3) I'm as talkative as hell but I will shut myself up when I'm on a trip. Unless it's a road trip and we're singing in the car. Other than that, I like to think of travel time as my downtime/thinking time.

4) I will never say yes to you asking me out, or give my number to you when you ask for it, or ask your age if I'm not interested. If I did say yes/give my number or ask your age, it's highly probable that I am interested. I may not like you that much but I'm definitely interested and would like to know what you have to offer in my otherwise mundane life :))

5) If we're friends, I'd rather you be brutally honest than say what you think I want to hear. Chances are, I already know what to do or say and nothing that you tell me can ever change my mind, but we are friends and I value your opinion, if your point is valid, I will definitely consider it.

6) I delete every trace of your existence in my life if I'm angry. Fine. Not every trace, mostly yor phone number, messages and email. This is probably because I like, or liked, you so much, I fear that in a desperate attempt I will try to contact you and make you change your mind :))

7) Books and ice cream will always make me feel better. Ok maybe Royce chocolates too :) but you will never get it wrong when you give me books and ice cream. Never!

I'd cut this right here because I have ran out of randomness for the day :)

2011-08-09T01:23:00.002+08:00

Dear you,

I think I liked you too much than I would care to admit.

I kept saying that this need to talk to you is just so you could see what you're missing. But I know that's not true at all, I know there's that glimmer of hope that hearing from me would change your mind.

I hate this dance grown ups play to test the water, one person's foot always gets stepped on, one way or the other.

Perhaps this is the last time I'll write about it.
Perhaps I won't care anymore
Perhaps tomorrow I'll forget
Perhaps I would finally move on

I've grown very tired of these games people play
I just want to throw the towel in, tap out from this game

Sitting by the sideline, waiting for you
Waiting..
Waiting for you

i want your life

2011-03-26T22:11:00.003+08:00

or better yet, i want to share your life with you

i want to be that supportive wife,
the one who encourages you to keep playing, keep singing,
keep writing, keep thinking, keep progressing

i want to raise children with you
stand proud and amazed how smart our child is
or how fast he's growing before our eyes and how old we're getting

i want to share endless conversations with you
sit in comfortable silence with you
stare in your eyes or hold your hand throughout the night

but you're long gone, we've moved on..
the lives we lead are parallel and may never cross
and i can but only dream to share the life that you have

2010-10-27T05:58:00.002+08:00

its 6am, the storm is raging outside and im thinking of you.. or who might you be..

my ym status says, "dear lord, ako naman," which i know is unfair, because i know god has been so good to me, especially lately, and that i have received countless of favors from him, those even that i have not asked for but he knows perfectly well that i need.

alex whitman's (matthew perry, fools rush in) words keeps ringing in my head,i was afraid that ive already met the (wo)man of my dreams in the dry cleaners or something but i was too busy to notice. i am relieved by the fact that there are little or no do it your own dry cleaners here or that i dont go to them at all.

then there's prince henry's (ever after), is everything just chance or is some thing's meant to be?

what is wrong with me?? dont answer that.

i blame the stillness of the morning and the rain. and ever after last night.

i wish i smoke

2010-07-16T01:18:00.002+08:00

so i could let the smoke drown my emotions.

so that with every puff, i would blow away the hurt and the pain. so that i could say that the smoke hurts my eyes, they are the reason why i cry.

i wish i smoke. or that my pain is like a cigarette. i will light it up, take it in, puff it out. i would put it in my mouth, savor it in my tongue, let it roll, take a few in and eventually let everything out.

i will play with it as it plays with me. i would want to give up but secretly still crave for it.

i wish i smoke. so that everything i write (or i try to write) would make sense, to me, to smokers..

i wish i smoke..

2010-07-10T00:54:00.002+08:00

dear love,

i woke up this morning and you werent there,
i almost cried

the phone alarm went off and when i reached to turn it off,
no message from you
my heart almost died

got up, took a bath, got ready for work, dressed my best,
waited
five minutes later i realized, you werent picking me up

a defeated soul, a heart heavy with memories,
i struggled to make it through the day

a few laughs to mask the pain
a moment of silence, oh until when will this hurt remain

work's done, i travel alone,
lying in bed, the day's almost gone

im waiting and im wishing for you
im waiting.
im waiting for you.

come find me..

2010-07-05T21:43:00.002+08:00

dear you,

i envy you. do you know that? because you are living the life that ive always wanted, the one that ive always dreamed of. you are living out the plans that we've made, the family we're supposed to be building.

i wonder if ill ever get over it. will the needle prick that i feel in my heart ever go away every time i see you and what i could've been if it was me there and you were here wondering.

i dont know what's worst, moving on from him or going back to envying your life.

2010-07-02T19:09:00.002+08:00

dear love,

i wish you had a car. so we can sit on the hood and we'll stargaze. you would have this, "no, not my hood" thought at the back of your head but i will smile sweetly and you will finally give in.

we would look up together and we would rest our backs on your windshield. i would fall asleep on your shoulder and to the sound of your voice.

you will sigh deeply but that wouldnt wake me up. then after a few minutes as gently as you can, you will wake me up and i will smile. i will smile up to you and we will kiss.

i am happy. i am infinite. i am invincible with you.

2010-06-28T20:41:00.002+08:00

dear love,

being with you was hard and easy. like what i told you, i had to relearn everything but i didnt mind. today as i was speaking to damdam, she said that the true measure of what you feel for a person comes when you are lying next to him. i thought about how i feel when im lying next to you, i have to keep the tears at bay so i could finish this letter.

dont hate me love. life has jaded me. it broke me apart, and over and over it has.

love, i know this is a tad bit too late and it wont do any good but indulge me, i beg you.

i walked away because i was scared. i was beginning to see what you were seeing and i started to question us. i kept thinking a future with you would be so chaotic. how would we raise our kids, our values were too different. how would we live together, im too much to handle most times.

i wish i could list down all the reason.

i guess i just want to say that im sorry. i was wrong and im sorry

2010-06-26T08:17:00.002+08:00

dear love,

let me tell you a thing or two about girls (in other words, me in general). girls will always like flowers. they will tell you they dont but they will always swoon when you give them one or some.

sometimes its not enough that you just say or show that you love them, sometimes they need to both hear and see that you do.

when a girl walks away, its always partly checking if you will go after her. go, but only if you really still want to be with her. this is to save you both of any pain, anger, regret or blame in the future.

she will never trust you but she will always love you. i know it sounds unfair but it is the truth. she will always doubt that there is someone else. she will always think that that girl likes you and you're not dissuading her/them enough. she will insist to be with you always because she wants to know that in the littlest details, in the busiest time of your life, you remember her, you think of her.

she will always appreciate a random gift, txt, i love you, the tiniest "oh you remember" or "you didnt forget"

she doesnt want you to do things because she wants you to do it. she wants you to do them because you want to, because you know that it would please her, that it would make her happy or the very least, smile.

in any situation, a hug is will always make her feel better. hold her hand. kiss her in the forhead, just show you care. sex is not always the answer to make her feel secure.

hold her heart firmly yet freely. enough for her to know that you are capable to take care of her yet free enough that she doesnt feel constricted.

she will cry, she will whine, manipulate, smile. she will throw tantrums to see if she can get what she wants. she will fake an illness to keep you close, she will laugh at your corniest joke. she will be complicated, she will be easy, she can be anything you want her to be.

and love, trust me she will hate you, she will pretend to not want you. keep loving her i beg you. she's only scared that you would leave her before she can leave you and that would break her.

complicated is an understatement to describe a woman, love. but i pray that you would pick out all the mask to get to her heart. and when you do love, hold on to it. you've got her. hold on to it.

the i dont care if you read this blog post

2010-06-19T17:44:00.004+08:00

i felt like crying today as i struggled to cut open the plastic lock from ~~our~~my locker. apart from the fact that it was really hard to cut through it, i felt really helpless and somehow found myself needing your help.

i almost cried. that i almost did.. i had to focus really hard at work so i dont cry.

i hate missing you. i really do.

i miss you. i will not lie and pretend that i dont.. that im not thinking about you.. because i am.

everyday (in the past) whenever i go to work and punch in the code to ~~our~~my locker combination, as soon as the steel door swings open, i always half expect to see your things inside, regardless that i know otherwise. some mornings as i turn off my phone alarm, or when i wake up in the middle of the night to check the time, i half expect to see a message from you.

when i feel ugly or when i feel pretty, i have this urge to ask you or let you know, so that you can tell me otherwise or validate my feelings, whichever is appropriate for the situation.

some days when i think about the future, i remember you. i wonder what would you have said. what wouldve been your opinion on the matter..

most days when i do remember you, i smile.

what's my point? nothing really. just that i miss you. and that even if i dont want to, i still end up thinking about you.

last night, i had to change my pillow case, i picked my pillow up and found our picture underneath it. i remember putting it there because i didnt know where to hang it. now i dont even know if i should hang it at all.

do i regret it? sometimes i think i do. sometimes im very certain that i dont. sometimes i try not to think about it at all. its funny. its true that everything after the fact is just conjecture. my what ifs, my wonderings, my thoughts, everything is after the fact. everything is behind us now. everything is in the past now..

and i have to keep reminding myself that i chose this. that this is what i wanted...

its a quarter after one, im alll alone and i need you now

said i wouldnt call but i lost all control and i need you now

and i dont know how i cant do without, i just need you now..

isang gabi sa pusong sawi

2010-05-09T18:11:00.002+08:00

walang konesyon ang title nayan sa sulat na ito. naisip ko lang. ang cute kasi. rhyming. parang nung sinabihan mo ako ng ang cute ko nung sinagot ko ang tanong mong "sinong may sabi?" ng "makakating labi." ngiti. kapag naaalala ko yun, di mabura ang ngiti sa mga labi ko. ngiti. parang naengkanto ang gilid ng mga labi ko at halos abutin ang tenga ko. ngiti. naubusan na ata ako ng sasabihin at gagawin kundi ngumiti.

hindi ko naman plinanong ibigin ka. di ko naman sinasadya. di ko naman hinangad. pero wala e, eto na. mahal na kita.. ick! yak! nakakadiri. cheesy. emo. totoo.

minsan sinabe mo saken, di naman lahat ng taong nagmamahalan nasa relasyon. naalala mo ba yun? pwede ko kayang i-adopt saten yan. kung ano mang meron tayo. pero teka, ano nga bang meron tayo?

nagsisimula na sana akong mangarap. maniwalang maaring ang ikaw at ako ay may pag asa. ngunit tulad nga naman ng iba pang nakakatawang/nakakainis na bagay sa buhay ko, unrequited. wow! unrequited. ingles.

teka ano nga bang punto ko? wala naman. na minahal kita. na mahal kita. na tahimik ang gabi. at siguro, na mainam ang tahimik na gabi para kalimutan ka.

p.s. ito ay di hango sa tunay na buhay. swear. mamatay man.

we will say goodbye

2010-04-30T20:06:00.003+08:00

and just like that we will say goodbye.

no incriminating emails.

no missent messages.

mo proof of infidelity or any hint of unfaithfulness. just words hanging in the air. words waiting to be heard but unwanting to be spoken.

our hands refused to touch. our eyes keep avoiding each other. we sit as if an invisible wall separates us. we sigh like there's no more hope.

you turn your head and i am looking away. i am anywhere but next to you.

and when i finally turn my head to look into your eyes, you nod.

i wait, wanting to speak but never having the courage to. then i too shall nod. a single tear will escape from my eye. with a finger, i will brush it away. i will not let you see it. i will not let you think about it.

then you will stand. and you will walk away.

and once again, i will be alone.

and just like that, we will say goodbye.

just like that..

i love you..

I REMEMBER

2010-04-27T10:52:00.004+08:00

Your letter sits at the bottom of my desktop drawer. the paper is crisp as most paper are after they dry from being wet. the ink is fading, sticking to both sides of the envelope. the pen you used mustve been cheap. I smiled. A part of the envelope flap has lost its stickiness. Still, there it lies, at the bottom of my desktop drawer. Unopened. Unread.

Its strange. I can still remember every other detail, but I'm slowly forgetting your face.

I remember there was no sun. The clouds were heavy and grey. The rain was foreboding.

From where we sat quietly, we could see the whole of the park. There was barely anyone else around. A few feet away a child cries in pain. Her knees has been scraped and she wants her 'mommy'. The mother, frantic, runs to her, whispering what we can only assume as soothing words in her ear. She carries her out of the park.

Not farther away a group of teenage boys has just wrapped up their basketball game. They were whopping and picking on the other team that they just beat. They continued screaming and laughing not minding anyone else as they exited the park.

Yet no words were spoken between us.

A couple, walking their dog, passed us by. One of them remarked, "It looks like its going to rain." I counted. Forty six steps. Forty six steps and I couldnt hear their footsteps anymore.

"How come the grass seems greener here," I said aloud to no one. And as expected, you kept quiet.

I stood up. Walked two steps. Looked around. Look back at you. And started to say, "You know--" but you stuck your hand out to me. In its end, you were holding out an envelope for me. I looked at it and then shook my head. I opened my mouth to say something but stopped because I know if I started to speak, I would cry.

So you took back your hand and placed the envelope where I was just sitting.

I felt the rain falling on my face. I saw the envelope getting drenched by heaven's tears. And I ran. I rand to the nearest shed. I shook off the raindrops in my hair, from my arms. I looked at you, you were still sitting at the park bench looking at me. I smiled. I motioned you to come out of the rain. To come with me, in the shed, to stay with me. To be with me. With me. You forced a smile, shook your head, stood up and started to walking away.

I remember catching my breath.

I remember thinking how your brown shirt looked darker as the rain fell in it.

I remember the way your hair clung to the back of your neck as it got wet.

I remember watching you walk away.

I remember wanting to run after you but instead picking up the letter and walking the other way.

I remember the sound of my heart breaking.

I remember..

Your letter sits at the bottom of my desktop drawer. Its still there. Unopened. Unread. Unforgotten..

nakapagtataka

2010-02-02T11:01:00.001+08:00

saw this on my drafts dated april 28 last year, haven had the time to upload it, so im uploading it now. :D

naghihingalo akong humagilap sa kahit anong makakapitan... hirap sa paghinga dahil sa pagod at sa mga hikbi.

hindi ko mapigil ang pagtulo ng mga luha at ang pag higop sa hangin na para bang huling hininga ko na to. kinailangan hanapin ko ang buong lakas ko para di sumalampak sa gitna ng daan. dito ko natagpuan ang sarili ko matapos dali daling tumakbong palayo mula sa tinutuluyan ni yael.

magdadalawang linggo na nang magkatampuhan kami. hindi ko na halos maalala kung anong nangyare at kung bakit tumagal ng ganito ang di namin pagpapansinan. ngunit kaninang umaga, habang nasa labas akong namimili, tumawag sa bahay si yael.

isang katutak na ideya ang sumagi sa isip ko, lahat maganda. magbabati na kami ni yael.. hinahanap nya ako.. hihingi na sya ng paumanhin sa mga nangyari.. gusto nya akong makita.. pinapatawad nya na ako sa aking pagtatampo.. bati na kami.. daig ko pa ang kolehiyalang kinikilig at dali daling naghanda para bisitahin si yael sa kanyang inuupahang maliit na bahay, dalawang sakay mula sa aking tirahan. ngunit andami pang mga gawaing bahay na kailangang tapusin at di pa ako nakaalis kaagad.

hapon na ng makarating ako sa bahay yael. sa harap ng kanyang pinto, muli kong inayos ang blouse na plinantsa ko pa bago isuot. dali dali kong binuksan ang pinto, pero nakalock ito. napasimangot ako saglit at saka naalala kung saan inilalagay ni yael ang susi kapag lumalabas siya ng bahay. naisip kong, kung wala man sya sa bahay, ay maghihintay na lamang ako sa loob at sosorpresahin sya.

pagpasok ko ng susi sa doorknob, ngumiti muna ako bago tuluyang buksan ang pinto. "yael," pagbati ko, saka labas ni yael mula sa banyo, nakatapis ng tuwalya.. at isang babae mula sa kanyang kwarto, saplot ang kumot sa katawan, parehong gulat sa isang akong nakatayo sa may pintuan ng bahay ni yael.

naghihingalo akong humagilap sa kahit anong makakapitan..

"april," si yael, nakashorts na ngunit wala pa ring pangitaas, tumutulo pa sa kanyang mga buhok ang tubig, hinabol nya ako hanggang sa kung saan ako ngayon nakatayo.

"april," muli niyang pagtawag. ngunit di ako lumilingon. "april," hinawakan nya ang aking braso, "magpapaliwanag ako."

tinaggal ko ang kanyang kamay at lumakad palayo. "april," ito ba ang paraan niya para pigilan akong umalis. patuloy ako sa paglalakad. "april," tawag niyang muli. ayaw ko siyang lingunin, dahil ayaw kong makita niya ang mga luhang ayaw tumigil sa pagbuhos mula sa aking mga mata.

"april, saglit naman!" pagsigaw niya.

natigilan ako. at saka humarap sa kanya, "at ano yael?" sagot ko. hikbi. " anong pwede mong sabihin sa akin na makakapagpaliwanag ng nakita ko?"

"april," sambit niya, saka lakad papalapit saken. umiling ako at tumigil siya sa paglapit. "ano yael?" hikbi. "ano?" yun lamang ang nasabi ko. at parang sa pelikula, sabay bumuhos ang ulan na tila nakikiramay sa pag iyak ng aking puso.

"ano?!" pagpipilit ko. ngunit walang sinabi si yael, kundi tumungo lang siya at umiling.

at parang senyales iyon, muli akong tumalikod at tumakbo palayo.. tumakbo akong palayo.. umiiyak..

i need you back

2009-12-23T13:57:00.001+08:00

From where I sat I saw leave the table where she was sitting. I followed her with my gaze, she walked a few steps, looked around and started to head outside. She stopped when she reached the gazebo, sat at the top of the five step stair and removed her shoes. Carefully, she placed them right next to her and started massaging her foot. Watching her, I felt the need to accompany her. So I, too, stood up and headed to where she was sitting. She smiled when she saw me coming towards her, "Can i?" I asked and when she smiled I took that as an approval and sat at the foot of the stairs.

I looked up at her and she is looking away, rubbing her palms against her arms. I took off my coat and offered it to her, "You must be cold," I said. I saw her starting to reach for the coat but changed her mind at the last minute and instead said, "No. I'm fine. Thank you."

I couldn’t find the right words to begin a conversation. Truth is, I really didn’t think much when I decided to come out here and sit with her. I opened my mouth to say something but thought twice and didn’t say anything. She mustve seen that because she asked, "you okay?" I was still at a loss for words, so I just looked at her and nodded.

"Okay," I heard her say. From the tone of her voice, I knew that she silence was starting to get to her and if none of us would say anything in the next few seconds, she will stand up and leave. So without really thinking it through, I said, "Are you," I looked at her then looked away, "with anyone right now?"

I heard her laugh. For a moment I was afraid to look at her but I knew that now the cat was out of the bag and there was no taking it back, so I looked at her and she had this puzzled look. "You really want to know?" she seemed unsure if she was going to answer or not. I nodded not really knowing what to say. "okay," she smiled. "I am," she paused, "I think hanging out, is the right term-"

"yes, because you do not believe in dating," saying it louder than I should have. She definitely heard that.

"Okay," she laughed. "yeah. I've been constantly hanging out with this guy for quite some time but its nothing serious.. Yet." emphasizing on the word yet. "we're taking things slow. I mean, I'm taking things slow." I could see her eyes shine as she talked about him. And I didn’t understand how that made me feel but I stood up and started walking away. Then I stopped. I realized that I have to get things off my chest. So I turned around and walked back to the gazebo. She was trying really hard not to laugh but also looked baffled with what was happening. She let out a little giggle and asked, "Is something wrong?"

"do you love me?" I asked.

Now the laughter was gone and she just looked confused, "excuse me?"

I couldn’t believe that she actually wanted me to repeat the question, "do you love me?" I asked again.

She started to say something but ended up with, "seriously?" she looked amused but I cant really be sure. "You really want to do this right now? Right here? Me? Answer that question. You're serious?" and when I kept quiet, she started to say, "okay," nodded and continued, "okay. What do you think?" when I still didn’t say anything she went on and said, "Okay. After cheating on me and leaving me high and dry for another woman, after breaking all your promises, not to mention my heart including, after leading me to believe that we could still work things out when clearly you were just waiting for me to give up on us, after all of that and more.. Do you honestly think that I would still have feelings for you? What do you think?" she was very sarcastic about the whole thing. I didn’t know if I should feel hurt, besides, she had a point and I know I couldn’t blame her for feeling that way.

I mustve been quiet for a long time because she sighed and said, "that was mean, I'm sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I'm sorry.

"why did we break up?" I asked setting her apology aside.

She laughed again, "seriously? Didn’t you hear anything that I said? Would you really want me to repeat all of that?"

I could feel that she was trying really hard to keep the atmosphere as light and friendly as she can. "I'm sorry," I apologized. "I shouldn’t have said that. What I meant to say is.." I stopped, looking for the right words to explain what I wanted to say but I saw her shaking her head. And before I could say anything else, she said. "no. don’t go there. Please. We're just going to end up saying hurtful things and hurting each other." once again she shook her head and said, "so, no. let's not go there."

And for a time, we were both quiet but I still couldn’t give up, I needed to let her know, I needed to say it so when our eyes met I said, "we were so good together."

She walked away, sighed, and said "yes." and then she turned back and smiled. and for a moment I thought I she was going to say the words I wanted to hear, instead she said, "but we are so much better apart," and started walking farther away..

IN ANOTHER LIFE

2009-11-01T14:22:00.001+08:00

The bathroom door slams.

I dropped down on the bed, resolve and strength draining out of me. For a moment the room was quiet and then I started to laugh. I think I might have laughed a little too loud because the bathroom door flew open and there stood Karl, refusing to cross whatever invisible line that separated the bathroom and our bedroom. "What's so funny?" he asked, annoyance still evident in his tone.

"I don’t know why we were fighting," I said in between laughs, "do you?"

He looked away and with a scowl said, "No!"

"I just thought it was funny-" I stifled my laughter and let the silence reign between us. However brief the silence we shared was, sadly, was also the closest thing we ever had to peace these past few months. And just as suddenly, I felt the tears coming, "I'm tired," I told Karl as I sighed and finally let the tears fall.

Seeing my tears, Karl rushed over to sit beside me, "Let's sleep," he said, wiping away my tears.

I shook my head no, "No Karl," the tears unstoppable now. "I'm tired."

"I don’t understand," he says, searching for the answer in my glistening eyes. "Are we fighting again?"

I kept quiet, building up the courage to say what I had to say and do what I needed to do. But before I could say anything else Karl started to speak again, "Are we breaking up?" He grabs my shoulders and starts to shake me, "Ynah. Ynah please. Talk to me."

I look him in the eyes, unable to find the right words but finally saying, "I'm tired Karl. I'm tired of making it work, of living through the endless fights, the chaos.. We've been over this for the past few months and yet every time we hit the same wall." I wipe the tears from my eyes, frantic to do something with my hands lest I hold onto him and change my mind. "We're just going through the motions Karl. You know as well as I do that when we moved in together it wasn’t because we wanted to but because we felt that after years of being together that was the next logical step for us to take." I stopped to catch my breath.

"That's not true!" he protested.

"Do you love me?" I ask him. He turned his head to look away from me. I felt my heart being thrown out of the window. I placed my hand on his knee, "Karl.."

He stood up. "This can't be happening. This is not happening. We can't let this happen. We CAN make this work Ynah. WE can't let this happen to us. Not now. We just got engaged. I just put a ring - on your finger.." he said the last three words slowly as realization swept over him, I wasn’t wearing the ring.

"Do you love me Karl?" I asked again.

He turned his back on me and hesitated before saying, "I do."

I walked over to where he was standing, "Enough to want to marry me?" I see his eyes brim with tears. "Motions Karl." I tried to smile through our tears, "We don’t have to go over them just because people expect us to do so.." I placed the ring in his hands and smiled. He looked at me with those questioning eyes and I just nodded, scared that words would break the sanctity of what we have just come to understand.

Finally, he nods too, walks over to his car keys and out of the apartment. As the door closes on me, my knees finally gave in and I sat there sprawled on the floor. Crying.

2009-10-16T10:55:00.002+08:00

Staring at the moon has always made me feel calm. So I preferred sitting out here under the blanket of the starless sky and the faint glow of the moon than the laughter and music inside. Here, I was alone and I could think..

"I didn’t think I'd see you out here," a voice too familiar invaded my solitude. The voice I've tried so hard to forget.

Without looking from where the voice originated, I said, "I wasn’t really planning on going but I had nothing better to do.. So here I am.."

I could feel his eyes on me, so I finally turned to look at the owner of the voice. He was now sitting next to me, a foot or so away, as if some invisible wall wouldn’t allow us to be near to each other. "I wasn’t aware that you were one of the guests of honor tonight," I began..

Even before I can continue, he cut me short with, "and if you were, would you have still come?" he asked, his eyes questioning my honesty.

I couldn’t answer or maybe I didn’t want to answer. I didn’t know what to say. I'm not sure what I would've done if I knew he would be here. I honestly don’t know if I would've still gone. I smiled instead, stood and sat on the opposite bench so that now we sat face to face.

I stared back at the moon, enjoying the serenity it brought me. "I haven't seen you attend these school-organized parties in a while," he said, following my gaze up at the sky.

"I've been away," I answered without looking at him.

"Almost a year away?"

I looked at him questioning

"I've been counting," he answered my unvoiced inquiry, " what have you been up to?"

I shook my head smiling and just shrugged. I didn’t want to talk to him about the year that we spent apart. I didn’t want to talk to him about anything. I didn’t want to talk at all.

Then out of the blue, he speaks, "It was wrong for me to leave you.."

"It was wrong for us to be together to begin with," I sighed.

"And for us to take on that chance to be happy? Was that wrong too?" He stood up to cross the distance between us and to site next to me.

"It was wrong because we were stepping on other people's happiness," I shot back, "you know that, don’t you?" I couldn’t take it anymore, I stood up to leave but he right in front of me and took my hand. "We could still be together," he said.

I let his hand linger for a second or two, as I looked anywhere but our touching hands - thinking that those few seconds of our hands touching compensated the year that we spent apart.

And then the silence was broken by, "So you've met my husband," a voice I know too well, too.

Startled, I almost jumped. I shook the hand that was holding mine and addressed the lady behind him, "Yes professor, I was just saying how nice it is to have met him. I was just about to go inside," I said almost out of breath.

"Why not hang around here with us first," she asked.

I noticed our hands still held on to each other, once again I shook it and told both of them, "I really should go inside. Some of the grad students are probably looking for me." I started to walk away.

"Ms. Gonzales," the professor called out to me. I turned around. "Will you be enrolling this semester? We have been missing you for some time now." Rumor around school was that I was her favorite student. And she was my favorite professor. At least up until the point when I started the affair with the man next to her.

"I'm not sure," I called back. "I', taking a trip and I don’t know when I'll be back in time for school."

"Is that so?" she asked, as if refusing to let the subject, "I hope you come back in time. It would be nice to have you in my class again."

I just smiled politely and shrugged my shoulders. I turned back around and just as I was walking back to the party I heard her ask him, "So what were you two talking about?" I didn’t wait for his reply. I walked right back into the noise letting it silence the voices around me…

Silence the voices in my head..

Silence the sound of my heart breaking..

self fulfilling

2009-10-09T12:13:00.001+08:00

*WOW MAY UPDATE AKO*

"so you're really leaving," he said breaking the silence. we have been sitting next to each other quietly for some time now till he said that. i didnt even know if i wanted to talk, ans so i sighed and said what i could only think of to say.. "so you're really getting married?"

he stood from where he sat and knelt down in front of me so he could level with my eyes. he placed his hands on my knees and started groping for words, "you know why i'm doing what i'm doing, i have to own up to my mistakes.. man up.. face--"

"you dont have to explain," i said cutting into his sentence, "at least not to me." i tried my best to smile.

he shook his head, stoop up and walked a few steps away, "why?" he asked.

'why what?" i asked back laughing, trying to mask the sadness that i was feeling, feigning innocence , pretending i didnt know why he was asking what he was asking.

he turned around to look at me, "why are you leaving?"

once again i let out a sigh, "why not?" i couldnt bear to look at him, so i looked afar before i said, "there's no reason to stay..."

when i didnt hear him say anything, i looked back at him and motioned for him to sit back down next to me. "truth is.. i prayed for so long that you'd choose me, cried many nights because you never did, went crazy trying not to be obvious about it and finally feeling stupid about the whole thing." i paused to breathe, "funny thing is, i still love you, that im still completely sane but insanely in love with you," i had to smile hearing myself finally admit it out loud.

"and it hurt.. it still hurts, knowing that we can never be any more than this." i finally turned to look at him, "so yeah.. that's why i'm leaving."

he reached out to place his hand over mine but i shook my head and took my hand. "i most probably will not be in touch," i said and then i stood up to leave. i resolved to sigh for the last time and let one tear fall before finally walking away..

untitled: a sad story

2009-04-28T03:53:00.004+08:00

PAUNAWA: the following post is a cross post from my old wordpress blog, published july 28, last year. the following post contains detailed and maybe offensive sexual terms. SO READ WITH CAUTION OR DONT READ AT ALL.. the discalimer below is the same one i wrote back when i published this post.

*******************************

DISCLAIMER: I WAS NOT MYSELF AGAIN, AS I ATTEMPTED TO WRITE A SENSUAL POST. HAHHAHA.. BAKA BASTOS ANG DATING! SO NGAUN PA LANG, KUNG DI KA OPENMINDED O DI SADYANG BASTOS KA LANG, WAG KA NA MAGBASA!!

PS PAGBIGAN NYO NA KO.. AHIHIH GANYAN TALAGA ANG MGA DI PINGAPALA :p

i dont really recall how we got here.. one minute i was refusing to hold his hand and now, here we are in his room, kissing each other with so much passion and enthusiasm, you’d think this was one’s last kiss..

he stopped momentarily, stared me square in the eyes, grabbed my neck with his right hand and brushed my lips with his fingers. i looked up to him, he towered a few inches over me. what could he be thinking? is he thinking that i was too easy? that i was probably playing when i refused to take his hand? or was he thinking, “oh god! i shouldnt be doing this with her, this is unfair, but i cant really stop.” that last thought made me smile. knowing that he wanted me made me smile. im not sure why exactly but it did. once again he ran his fingers through my lips and i seductively sucked on them. he smiled when i did that but as the smile faded away, i saw the hesitance in his eyes. he probably has the same questions as i did.. probably wanted to talk this over too before we go on..

“dont stop,” i told him pulling his body closer to mine.

“but..” was all he managed to say, the hesitance now more evident with his body movement.

“i dont care,” i looked him in the eyes. “i dont care about next week, tomorrow, i dont even care about later, after all this is done. i dont care about what will or may happen. all i know is that i want this. i want you.” i leaned close to his ears and whispered, “so, please dont stop.”

with these words, he began to kiss my neck and work his way to my ears, my cheeks and back to my lips.

in a matter of what seemed to be like seconds, we were already naked in his bed.

the lights were off but his bedside lamp was on and i could clearly see him, kiss his way down on me. all i could managed as he did his thing was moan at the pleasure of his lips on my skin. i was scared at first when i first hinted his hesitation, i havent done this for so long, i was scared i dont know what to do, but his leading was perfect and i couldnt have had it any other way.

as he kissed my belly button, he stopped and made his way up to my face. i could feel the tip of his being, teasing to enter me, but he stayed calmly, smiling devilishly on top of me. he was about to say something when i told him, “dont stop. please dont stop.” and with that i pulled him towards me. i felt him enter me and it sent a stab of pain on me, but once he started moving expertly on top me, the pleasure of him inside me was heaven.

i quickly caught up with his rythym and even managed to roll him on his back, as i mounted him and rocked back and forth. i didnt care how i looked at that moment, i didnt even care what he thought of me. all i knew was that, i wanted this and if it wasnt with him, then it’ll just be some other guy. but i knew that i wanted to get laid. i needed to get laid, it just might be a bonus that it was with him (the person that i just happen to start falling in love with) , i was sharing this passsionate experience with.

and it may also be that i havent had sex in a long time that i felt that when i felt that i was nearing the end of the experience, i almost screamed with satisfaction that i was coming.

quickly, he pulled me down on the bed and moved on top of me. as i felt it coming, i closed my eyes and felt unexplainable pleasure washed over me. my grip on his arms started to loosen and when i opened my eyes, he smiled at me and started thrusting with twice as much fervor. i felt him explode inside and then he lay on top of me exhausted for a few seconds.

after so, he rolled on his back, still not letting me go. i rested in his chest and for some time we just listened to each other’s heavy breathing. my ears in his chest, i felt and heard his heart slow down into its normal beating. he sighed a sigh of relief, i looked up to him and said, “im going to take a shower,” before he had a chance to say anything else. i grabbed his blanket and walked to the bathroom.

in the shower, things started to dawn on me and i began entertainting thoughts as to why he has hesitant about why we did what we just did. i practiced trying to act nonchantly, as i was preparing to see him when i stepped out of the bathroom door.
But in the bedroom, i saw him barely clothed, fast asleep in the bed; our clothes still sprawled on the floor. reality hit me, he is not mine and i am not his. what just happened was more of our bodies wanting to be satisfied and not the dance of two people in love.

i quickly gathered my clothes and dressed. i made sure i didnt wake him up and then i left. i left. without saying anything, without leaving a note, without letting him know..

i left.

the test

2009-04-18T13:37:00.005+08:00

we were standing in his bathroom, waiting for the test that would decide our future.

he was sitting on the toilet, elbows on knees, hands clasped together and head bent. i was leaning by the bathroom sink alternately looking at him and at the test.

he looks up at no one and says, “matagal pa ba?”

i looked at my watch, time seems to move especially slow, “three more minutes,” i told him. “the test says five minutes.”

he looks up again, this time at me. “dont do that,” he says out of the blue.

“do what?” i asked. i was unconsciously drumming my fingers on the bathroom sink.

“that,” he says, pointing out to my fingers. i crossed my arms instead, as anxious as he is.

he cant take the waiting. he stands up, paces across his little bathroom floor twice, stops and heads out the door. i watch him close the door on me. i looked at my watch, my vision clouded by the tears in my eyes.

he comes back inside, takes my hand and says, “marry me.” i look at him stunned, “marry me,” he says, “whatever that test says, marry me. i want to do right by you. marry me.” he kept repeating the words “marry me” as if he wanted to convince himself more than he wanted to convinced me.

i cupped his face in my hands and kissed him with my eyes closed. i smile as our lips parted, when i opened my eyes, his eyes were still closed. and as gently as i could i said, “no.” surprised, he opened his eyes, releases himself from me and started to pace the room again.

“why?”

“because..”

he stopped and looked at me, “because what?”

i shook my head, “why do you want to marry me?”

“because we might have a baby together and i want to do right by you, i told you already.”

“what if the test turns out negative, what then?” i looked at him and he didnt answer. “do you love me?”

“i want to do right by you,” he says again.

i smiled, “you said that already.” i waited for him to look at me again and i said, “i know you have plans and things to do, i dont want to keep you from that, just because we may be having a baby together. im not about to keep you from your dreams. besides, i dont want to be one of those women who gets married because they’re pregnant. marriage is sacred, shared between two people who love each other, which unfortunately is not us. i care for you a lot and i know you care for me too but we both know that what we feel is not love, at least not yet. i dont want to get married for the wrong reasons.”

“but what if we are pregnant, what then?” i can see so much confusion in his eyes and i badly want to tell him what to do but i dont know what that is so i hugged him instead.

“its time,” i told him.

he went and picked up the test, he looked at it and asked, “one line means what?”

“negative.”

“and two?”

“means we’re pregnant.”

he hands me the kit and i looked at it. i looked up at him and he is crying, i started to cry too. and as our tears we’re falling, we held on to each other.

we stood there in his bathroom holding on to each other, the test still in my hands, the tears still falling from our eyes.

we held on to each other, crying in his bathroom.

****
a cross post from my wordpress blog. to my friend who's in almost the same situation, we're wight beside you every step of the way..

good friends.. good vibes

2009-04-15T13:07:00.003+08:00

havent blogged in a while...

i am having the best time of my life. its so nice to be around old friends (old, not new not old, aged). you know how they say everything old is better, like old wine and stuff, that's kind of how i feel about my friends right now.

got to baguio around midnight yesterday and was picked up by shan, who skipped a few minutes from work to take me to her house. wasnt in the mood to sit and watch her work at work so went home at her house instead. she got home in the morning and slept so i decided to go to my friend dee instead. she's the one who flew in. got there and she was still asleep, so was sarah, her sister, so just hung out with her brother, rodan and watch tv, talked about our favorite topic in the whole world. no im not going to say ~~who it was~~ what's it about. :P

when dee woke up, ate late lunch and played with her son, deinnielle, whom i havent seen in ages too :D went out to slu hospital with dee, sarah, and david (their youngest brother) to have deinnielle vaccinated and then to sm to meet up with the rest of the gang. marshy got there first, then mitch, shan, and moses. talked about old times, friends, the future.. coffee conversations with good friends, it couldnt get better, right? :D

but mitch got cajoled into getting us dinner, since he just graduated (rites on the 17th, too bad, i wont be here for it). waited a few minutes or an hour for erick, dee's husband and shopped around with sarah and shan. dinner at don hen session like old times (BUFFALLO WINGSS!!) too bad we couldnt get our old table. even saw our old church pastor :P lafftrip all the way, remembering good times and old jokes (SCRABBLE!!) we were so noisy people were prolly wondering what the fuzz is all about, but i didnt care, its good to be in the company of friends. stayed longer than don hen's closing, like we always do :D revived old jokes about bottomless drinks...

the night was young, so drinking session at mitch's with his kuya francis and marsh and her cousin, kristine.. talked about old relationships and church. ahahah. another favorite topic :P

so much has happened and that was just on day one. :D

good friends.. good vibes.. i love the city of pines :D especially when my friends are here.

******

ps. kuya chie, m, errr.. sorry about the phone call. ahihih.. love you bitches!!! :D

*****

after a year.. :D

dee's baby boy

the apo reef adventure

2009-02-24T16:59:00.010+08:00

had one of the bestest time of my life. sabi nga ni jason sulit na sulit naman ang byahe dahil solb na solb kaming lahat (or at least ako) sa adventure na ito

for the longest time, i am at a loss of words to say. so let the pictures speak for themselves :D

banner design by rson

the view from the lighthouse

warning the following pictures will be of my wh0ring self. lol

hobbes photoshoot

i touched a real live pawikan :D

the lagoon

hobbes and i extremly enjoyed our apo reef adventure :D

jason, ioni, teya, ayz, butch, bob, euen , mark, sherwin, mike and rson

for more pictures click this link

i love books

2009-02-13T01:08:00.002+08:00

ive finally realized why i have (momentarily) lost interest in movies.

its because im rekindling my love affairs with books. just tonight, i went to the mall to buy a book. any book, i was desperate. just something that i can get my hands on and read. ive so much fun reading abram's the lost diary of don juan, i fell in love with reading again. (and i would very much recommend that you read the same book too)

anyway, i finally decided to buy the slightly true story of cedar b. hartley by martin murray. (google it, or better yet amazon.com is every book lover's best website buddy). its a children book's or so at least i think it is. ive read through the first chapter pa lang and so far, its looks interesting. cedar is cool.

got to get back to reading. :D less ~~internet~~ movies for me muna dahil sa books ko :D ahihih

10 random stuff about me

2009-02-04T12:40:00.002+08:00

ni tag ni k0ya sherwin, at dahil i want to stall work, eto muna gagawin ko

10 RANDOM STORIES ABOUT ME

1. nung second year ako, for second sem, i gave up my dorm spot because i thought i could transfer from UP baguio to diliman. but things effed up and i ended up staying enrolled in baguio. since it was a difficult time for our family then, my parents couldnt afford to house me sa mga expensive boarding houses sa baguio (dorm costs only 300 at that time). for a month, i was a nomad. oo, wala akong bahay. i carried with me my tiny reebok backpack containing my daily necessities, toothbrush, suklay, underwear, a notebook (thank god di require and one notebook per class sa college), underwear, my watch and sachets of shampoo. and my bible pala (victory kid pa ako nun). i would wait at the victory's student center and wonder who would offer me a place to stay for the night. sometimes, i would hang out with UP friends until they feel like going home and cross my fingers that they would invite me to stay the night at their place. for a month i was a nomad. december, dee (my super bestfriend) asked me to stay at their house. i stayed until they had to move houses and i couldnt stay with them anymore. again, noman ako for another month. i would eat pancit canton for lunch and dinner, no breakfast. there was a running joke that if you stab me, pancit canton would come out instead of blood. i stayed at a friend's house for another month and march i finally saved enough money (around 1500) to rent a place for a month.

2. the next sem/years, i got by through charity and pakiusap. id save up my allowance so i can pay for rent, which was always late. i only paid my debt to ate joy when i was already working. i stayed at their place for a year and owed them two or three months rent.

3. i dont know how to cook. but every christmas, the whole family insists that i do my chili chicken wings, spaghetti and/or leche flan.

4. i name all my gadgets. my old SE fone was named midnight. my laptop's odette. my new SE fone has to be named yet. my external hard drive is wxyz and my mp3 player is yram.

5. i just look happy all the time, but im really always problematic inside. im always sad and i feel always alone. i think im manic depressive.. shhhh...

6. im probably the nicest friend anyone can have. lol. yabang. if i owe you, meaning somehow i feel indebted to you, i will stick by your side no matter how mean you are to me. i will defend you even if you have done me wrong more than once. im vulnerable and loyal like that.

7. i like singing in the car. even if i dont know the words. i like singing. only, i dont know how to sing. i know when someone's singing is off key but i can never create (create talaga) the right note. i just know how it sounds, pero i dont know how to sing it.

8. i cant sleep peacefully if im not hugging a pillow, a teddy bear, a person, anything. i have to be hugging something so i can fall into a deep sleep. if im not hugging anything, even a whisper can wake me. lol

9. pangarap kong makatabi ng poging stranger sa bus na magiging friend ko. lalo na yung mga mahahabang byahe tulad ng baguio, nueva ecija (dati) o lucena. :D pero wala e, lageng matatanda nakakatabi ko o kaya mga babae. lol

10. i know its impolite, but i cant talk to someone and look at someone else as if di sila yung kausap ko. or pwede ring nakatingin ako sayo, but i dont really hear what you're sayig kasi im focused on something else. i zone out lotsa times. lol

wala na kong maisip.kaya ganyan yang mga yan. ima tag pam, NA,cindy and merryl

i miss my super best friend

2009-01-30T12:41:00.003+08:00

i miss you, dee!

who wouldnt fall in love with michael cera?

2009-01-26T22:08:00.000+08:00

just finished watching nick and norah's infinite playslist.

music lovers everywhere would love it. the story's kinda, ok well, its very simple. pero daming songs :D

its about a hung up boy and a "desperate" girl he meets one night when his ex girlfriend is rubbing in his face that she's dating someone else. and this ex girlfriend is the girl's bitch classmate who picks on her for being smart and not having a boyfriend. (somebody stop me before i spoil the ending!)

anyway.. im prolly the biggest fan of the movie juno, where michael cera is the lead guy. and here in this movie, he's nick.

who wouldnt fall in love with michael cera. he's not all good looking but he's cute and endearing and charming. and the roles that he plays (the two that ive seen so far) are all smart asses, so he's smart in my book.

he's this shy, smart, simple, awkward but intelligent kid with all this charisma and with my latest nice guy obsession, michael cera takes my number one spot. oh i love you so! :D

norah: are you sad we missed it?
nick: we didnt miss it. this is it. *hearts*

p.s. you dont know who he is? google your face!!! :P

cheesy

2009-01-19T22:45:00.003+08:00

im such a sucker for cheesy love songs and cheesy pinoy romantic comedies.

i just finished watching star cinema's my only u and although the story didnt quite make my cut for best tagalog romantic flicks ive seen (wait a minute, i have a list?? i digress), it still managed to make me cry.

especially that part when toni was singing this song to vhong, after which he was discouraging her because he could die any day. panalo ang sagot ni toni, "kahit ilang segundo, pagkakasyahin ko bong, makasama ka lang." i cried tears. i know im hopeless romantic and korni like that. but i liked it.. i almost fell in love with it.. i just didnt like the way it ended

but it was truly endearing..

itong awiting ito ay alay sayo
sintunado man tong mga pangako sayo
ang gusto ko lamang, kasama kang tumanda

patatawanin kita pag hindi ka masaya
bubuhatin kita pag nirayuma ka na
o kay sarap isipin, kasama kang tumanda

sasamahan kahit kailan man
mahigit kumulang di mabilang
tatlumpung araw sa isang buwan
umabot man tayo ng 3001

magmumukha akong bruha pag gising sa umaga
pupunasan ko pa ang muta mo sa mata
o kay sarap isipin, kasama kang tumanda

paglalaba pa kita pag tapos mamalantsa
kahit abot abutin pa ako ng pasma
o kay sarap isipin, kasama kang tumanda

labs na labs pa rin kita kahit bungi bungi ka na
para sa akin ikaw ang pinakapoging papa
o kay sarap isipin, kasama kang tumanda

at nangangako sayo pag sinagot mong "oo"
iaalay sayo buong puso ko
sumangayon ka lamang, kasama kang tumanda

its like the tagalog version of grow old with you only it hits Home much more kasi its tagalog.. sh*t!! sabi nang too much movies and tv is bad for me :P

hay love.. :D

*sings* patatawanin kita.. kapag di ka masaya...

im such a sucker for nice guys

2009-01-18T15:38:00.003+08:00

waiting in the rain, sharing his umbrella with me. reminding me to change my shirt because it was drenched in the rain.

talking to the new girl. (the new girl being me)

waiting until i boarded the bus.

never making me wait. being on time.

insisting to cross the road with me.

holding my hand when i get scared.

a hug.

good guys are hearts.. :D

sino bang di nagenjoy dito??

2009-01-08T14:47:00.006+08:00

eto yung unang out of town chorva ng greenies..

i just finished chatting with ses. he's inviting us all to spend panagbenga with him sa last week ng february, the week na sarado ang session road.

he's finally moved to a new house. so goodbye mga nabulahong kapitbahay. isa na namang pagkakataon para makapambulaho ng bagong mga kapitbahay!!! at dahil bago ang bahay nya, mas maganda ito at mas mahal sa dating 150/per head/per night.

pero dahil din bago ang bahay nya at sya naman ang nag invite, ang presyong 300/per head/per night sa bago nyang bahay e ibibigay nya saten ng presyong kaibigan : LIBRE!!! e yun e kung pupunta tayo dun sa last week of february. seems he really had fun with the greenies, so ano game kayo??

so ano? uulitin ba naten to?? :D

the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

2008-12-30T00:25:00.015+08:00

the year is coming to an end. and i look back and think what have i been through and what have i accomplished or in most cases messed up.

im prolly the most inconsistent person one could ever meet. i will hear things out and decide to do things but then wake up the next day doing the exact opposite thing. true to one of my favorite songs, [~~sometimes~~ most of the time] " and ill let it be known, times i have shown, times of all my weakness. but somewhere in me, there is strength. and you promised me, that you believed, in time i will defeat this. coz somewhere in me there is strength. and today ill trust you with the confidence for man whose never known defeat and ill try my best to just forget, that that man isnt me. and you said i know that this will hurt. but if i dont break your heart then things will just get worse. if the burden seems too much to bear, remember, the end will justify the pain in took to get us there."

and it has become painful.. the burden has become too much to bear.. much too much that it clouds what may be in store for me, that for a time I forgot that the end can justify all that ive been trough. i have come closed to giving up. oh yes i have. more than once even. scratch that. i have given up, more than once..

but ive met the best people this year, people who believe in me and saw what im worth and what i can be worth. people who hate me for my negativity but nonetheless stand by and behind me. never have i before been challenge to challenge myself, to make something out of my situation, to be something.. i have never before told that i have changed in a short span of time or realized that i actually have.

as much as i am proud to say (as i know these people that ive met are) that i have indeed made sharp curves and turns for the better "me," i know im far from actually being the best person i can be. i still stumble and trust me, ive so much negative aura i can suck out the most positive energy there is around me (ive been kissed, threatened, snapped at, walked out on, among other things just to shut me up) but im always grateful to them, to what they've given me and what they've taught me in the shortest time.

last year, i remember doing a year end album on my multiply summing up the year in pictures. this year, i was initially preparing to do the same thing (well, at least until before i found out wxyz, my hard drive, needs reformatting and i kind of really didnt feel like it anymore and moreso because i thought of doing something else. :D

id like to honor the people who have helped me come close to what i am today and whose still continuing to help me get to my full potential.

i miss you lexie :P

alex aka gasul, you are the first greenie that ive ever met. we miss you dearly. you were the first person to look beyond the drama that i put forward. you saw me as a friend not as patient to practice your psychology on, you gave me advice and not psychotherapy. alex, after everything, know that you'll always have a friend in me and that we all look forward for your vaca here. :D

bambam, thanks for always believing in me.

bambam aka jason aka greenpinoy, without him, none of these will be possible. through his site and forums, ive met the most amazing people one could ever hope to meet in this lifetime. jason, you are the person i revered most. i respect your intellectual and emotional intelligence, your authority above things and your ability to think under pressure.. your dedication to your work and your passion, your love for your mom and your family. how you manage your time and your priorities, how you stay smart amidst everything. you are smart, brave, kind, compassionate, passionate, a leader in every way. i love how you see what i could be and that you never give up however stubborn i get. thank you. these words i write will never fully express my gratitude to you.

chie chie, you will always be my fave crush. come home soon! :D

chie chie aka chroneicon, i miss you. its been two weeks but truthfully it feels like a lifetime already. you know that i love you and im thankful that you're you in my life and that you were the first one to respond when i needed a friendly voice. and a friendly voice you are and will always be. i will always be choosing you if i get stuck in an island because you are smart and you say the most sensible things. because you are the perfect gentleman and i you will always piggy back carry me when i make lambing. you will always smell good even when you're sweating and you will always be a good basketball player without running. you may sleep most of the time but you are more awake every time. i miss you chie chie.. i miss you dearly.

kuya sher, thank you sa lahat, for always looking after me :D and for getting me drunk :P

kuya sher sher aka lethalverses, you will always be my overprotective big brother. someone i was never allowed to be blood related to but i know will always be my brother in every other way. you curse, you get mad, you laugh, you make jokes, you give advice, you push me, you believe in me, you encourage me. you listen. you are smart and talented, one of the best writers ive ever and i will ever meet. i feel most safe around you because i know that you will always have my back yet never tolerate it when im wrong. i love you kuya sher, please know that i do and i am thankful for your role in my life.

m. alam ko lab mo ko, lab din kita. sabe pala ng hiskul bestfriend ko ang cute mo daw. ehehe :D

christian aka mariano, first of, please dont kill me for calling you christian :D you make fun of me, you laugh at me but i know that's your way of challenging me to look beyond my insecurity. you are smart and funny without trying and you can be really serious when you want to. i hold dearest to my heart the conversation we've shared in the lightest tone but with the deepest of faith and hope that this life could offer us. i know im not in any position to say this but please see the most wonderful person that i see in you, as i know you wish on me too. keep smiling and always be happy. :D

i know goddess is already your soul sister but here's to hoping i could be a strayed adopted little sister :D

damdam err.. you dont have an alias, at least not to me, no :D you're short tempered, you're ruthless, you're blunt but most of all you're honest and loving and caring. i remember being intimidated by your mere presence, afraid even but i also remember thinking that we are alike in most ways than we both can imagine or care to admit. why? i dont have any idea, i just know we are. hehehe. you walk out on my stubborn ass most of the time but the best thing is you've always come back and hold my hand and whisper comforting words like the mother and older sister you are. thank you for letting me call shotgun :D for sharing all those stories with me and letting me talk about chie or my life or the greenies or santi or anything else. once the person that intimidates me most now drives me to places, takes me and introduced me yogurt shake, drives all the way to san pedro to surprise me, spends her money on gas, lets me leech of their wifi, and just plainly lets me know that im wanted and needed. love you dam, you're the only girl ill kiss. ehehhe

here's to hoping we could do this again, missing you much pammie :D

pammie, you're the one that i miss the most. like what i told you, you're one of the selfless people i know. you listen even when you are busy and you meet me whenever you're available. we talk about us as if we're not talking about us but we understand fully what we mean. we create secret blogs and password protected entries and we let each other read it because we feel most comfortable with each other. after everything pammie, i miss our ym conversations, how we're all excited when we see each other or when we have something exciting to tell each other. i miss you so much pammie more than your mom's chicken or our juicy gossips. i hope to see you soon :D

here's to unspoken stories and laughable moments :D thanks euen

euen aka kuletz, ive known you the shortest time but you placed your trust on me so much, makes me want to trust and believe in myself a little more like you and the others do. we laugh, we share stories, we kid around and we go on covert "dates" ahahaha.. thank you, for trusting me with things that you have, for believing that i am capable of keeping my mouth shut. ive never said this, but i am actually envious and equally happy for you. i could only hope to find what you have and pray that you keep what youve found. i got this txt msg this morning and i say the same thing to you, "viva bene, spesso l'amore, di risalta molto." (live well, love much, laugh often) love you dearest :D

i could not mention everyone but know that you've all had a part in helping me become a better person and i could not have a better year or have chosen better friends for all of you have been everything a nuerotic, insensitive, stubborn, immature, feeling little girl could ever have. and i pray the same thing everyday, that you will never give up nor ever get tired of me and the drama that i bring. i love you guys to the very core and i will be eternally grateful to god, to fate, to the maker or who or whatever made it possible for you to become part of my life.

to my greenpinoy family, the merriest of this holiday and happy new year :D

fave friend

2008-12-06T04:06:00.005+08:00

lage akong nasasabihan nuon na ang dami ko daw bestfriend. actually, i never really thought of having "THE" best friend, kasi wala pa naman sa buhay ko talaga yung nag leave ng imprint or continuously leaving an imprint in my life. nung una akong matawag na best friend ng hiskul best friend ko, i felt obligated to call her one too. sa kanya ko actually nakuha yung, "wala akong best friend, marami akong close friends" kaya yung sobrang overwhelmed feeling na maging bestfriend nya, sort of made me feel that i had to call her my best friend too. of course through time, we did grow closer as friends, and being best friends with her, kind of grew on me too..

tapos, when i was 21 and my childhood bestfriend was 18, at her party, she introduced me as her best friend. truly, apart from everyone else, lyn (up to that time) was the embodiment of a best friend in my life. i have known her forever and we have been through alot together and apart. we stayed friends despite the distance (i was studying in baguio then, she was studying in letran manila). i knew and i still know that lyn will always and forever be my friend, whatever decision i make, stupid or otherwise, whatever religion, belief i chose, wherever i go. whatever i do. kabisado na namen ang ugali ng isat isa and although may age gap, we get along best (compared to her ates, one of which was my batchmate and even classmate in elem, tapos schoolmate in hiskul. her other ate was my sister's classmate too).

for a time lyn was the perfect bestfriend. she fit the bill, embodied the term. not that she doesnt anymore but then i met dian.

dian and i went to the same church in baguio, we moved in different circles but dian's friendly and welcoming presence would always draw people in. and i am no exception. i dont really remember the first time we clicked, i remember the first time i saw and met her, but that didnt really made us instant friends.

my fave friend

she's the perfect listener. she's the nicest friend. we can talk for hours and we still feel that we havent really talked that much and that we need to share more stories. we love long walks and cheesy (sometimes kid-ish) movies. we love to dance.

dee's the most gracious person i know. she never judges, she just accepts. she says rebuke, advice, sermon in the most charming and loving way possible. if you've met chie, she's kinda like him, only she's a gurl and he's not. she's so charming and nice, you cant help but like her and be her friend. honestly, i dont know anyone who doesnt like her. even the boys that she (well, there're no really good way to say it) dumped, (or told that she doesnt like them) are still her friends. most of them havent given up until, well, she got pregnant and married.

true friends forever

dee is my favorite friend. favorite because i dare not put her in the same category as my "best friends" not that they're better or she is but she's just different. i would want everyone to meet a dee, if not meet her personally.

i miss her badly. we saw each other last november 2007, at her dad's funeral in pampanga. it was more of a festive reunion of sorts than a sullen family get together. everyone who has been friends with either the galangs (their last name), there are 5 of them, would instantly become part of their family. she's in abu dhabi right now begging me to come stay with her there. she was here a few weeks back to take care of her son who's in bicol while her mom had fly back to abu dhabi for a while.

i havent seen her in a year. and i miss her badly, i told her that.. im giddy excited because my sister is flying back to oman on the 17th and her plane lands in abu dhabi international airport, dee will come meet my sister before she boards her connecting flight to oman, so im making lists in my head of the things id like to send her. she'll finally see the slideshow i made for her.. :D

anyway.. like what i was saying, i hope we'll all find and keep a "dee" in our lives. a friendship so great, time and distance cannot ever sever it..

i miss my gurlz so bad, but i especially miss dee the most

walang title

2008-12-03T00:30:00.005+08:00

tita ayz and baby isaac on the way to the mall

set up a date with my sister to go to the mall but she insisted to bring along my mom, isaac and mame (our adopted little sister) it shouldnt be all that bad except baby's (isaac) in this very kulit mode phase and wont sit still for even a minute. at lunch, my appetite ran out because i had to run after him all thoroughout g4's food court. for a while my sister and i were able to get away for a while, i had to get my phone serviced at sony ericsson glorietta and we bought some stuff for her too. tapos kami naman ang nagbantay kay baby while mama had to go some place else. it was ok for a while, since mame could go follow isaac around glorietta's playground coz she's smaller and she can go over and trhough all those thingies that kids play at. (i swear! kapag nagkaanak ako, di ko palalaruin sa ganitong playground. mas gusto ko pa sa public playground, mas mababantayan ko, kesa sa glorietta, shet! parang mga batang tinubuan ng playground ang hitsura!)

things started getting crazy when my sister had to go to the comfort room and took mame with her. i was left alone with isaac running all over the place and looking after our things too. arrghh!! saket ng katawan ko because of that. at hindi lang sila saglit na nawala, matagal, aba! nagpunta pa sa bookstore!

pero worth it naman, kahit makulit si baby at masaket sa ulo ang pagod, because, i got my new baby naman.. name.. name, name.. what should i name my new baby? :D

my new baby!

rant

2008-12-02T10:08:00.000+08:00

put*! are you screwing with my head??

hey guys guess what? i passed ateneo's grad school program on a provisionary basis/probationary status. i got the letter today, three weeks later, after school has started, baka nga a month na after the enrolment has ended. this is madness!! (sabe nga ni m)

at first i was confused, i had all my plans laid out now that i didnt pass, and now, i dont know what to do. i wanted to call my sup, ask what to do.. i started to rethink my plans.. and then i checked the date they sent it out to me (the letter itself said, oct 23), the sent it out nov 26. great! they sent it out, 16 days after classes started!

and then, i realized.. that this often happens. whenever im hell bent to do anything, something always comes up to test how serious i am about it. most of the time i used to always give in to whatever it is, fearing that i may be missing out on something that im supposed to do. but this time, i wont. im taking a different turn and doing what i need to do, what im hell bent to do.

so i guess im sticking with my plan! this is just some shiny trinket on this road that im traveling that's not even worth picking up.. (read: this is me convincing myself that im doing the right thing!)

arggghh!! i pray im doing the right thing :(

i still write about you

2008-11-28T00:16:00.002+08:00

on days that i think i am the most ok, i still write about you
on days that i feel really sad and i remember what was, i still write about you

i hide you behind false names
i create false realities
i relive what was
i close my eyes and hope time wont pass

where are you and where am i
what happened to us..

for a time i forget the years that has transpired
those that we spent apart from each one

but reality pinches me awake
i am forced to face this loneliness today
a smile masked the hunger that's eating me away
my soul, my heart, my memories - they bid "us" farewell

err.. trying hard lang.. pasensya na..

im drawing a blank

2008-11-27T23:55:00.002+08:00

hindi ko alam kung anong meron.. o anong wala.. pero lately, hindi ako makapagsulat ng maayos. ok payn, di ako makapagsulat ng katulad ng pagsusulat ko dati..

wala akong maisip na story (kasi never naman akong naging good poet). wala akong maisip na bagong plot o kahit core man lang ng pwedeng gawan ng storya..

im planning to revive my belat blog, pero wala pa akong idea what to write at this time.

arrgghh.. im troubling myself with trivial stuff again.. arrgghh!!

just one smile

2008-11-25T18:55:00.005+08:00

i dont normally do tags but since pam was the one who tagged me, sige na nga! ahihih

10 things that makes me smile

1. like pam, ramdom text messages makes me smile. yung tipong, out of the blue ittxt ka, yung akala mo hindi ka na naalala, pero biglang may text sila just to say that they miss you or that you came into mind.

2.surprises. totoo na the things you like doing for your friends, unconsciously , you want to happen to you. sobrang gusto ko yung nangsu-surprise at nasu-surprise, kahit birthday o anong celebration yan o kahit wala lang. it makes me smile seeing that people i love are happy too.

3. swimming. frustration ko kasi talaga ang mag swimming, so kapag may nagyaya saken na magswimming o kapag may posibilidad ng swimming sa isang lakad, sobrang masaya ako. kaya nga peborit kong natambay kila jason. kasi may poker na, may swimming pa. :D

4. isaac. my 16 month old nephew is hilarious. whether his counting one to five, or calling someone "aw" or saying "pop" or "coke" or dancing or whatever.. basta yun! sobrang nakakatuwa sya.

5. tickle me elmo extreme. instant smile. :D watch it on youtube.

6. editing. or at least learning to. it can get frustrating at times pero kapag tapos na, kapag ok na ang lahat.. sobrang fulfilling

7. makakita ng baboy habang bumabyahe. ewan ko ba, drawn ako sa mga baboy, at kapag nakikita ko sila, natutuwa talaga ako

8. dee. my super best friend, dian, who's now based in auh. she makes me smile. she always knows how to make me feel better and we never run out of things to talk about.

from my longest baguio vaca ever.. miss you dee!!

9. lyn. my childhood bestfriend lyn. we've been friends forever and kahit na may age gap kami, we still managed to get along. its not a smooth friendship, we clash every now and then but we get along.

dahil ganito kami magkulitan

10. mga lumang kwentuhan o pangyayaring nakakatawa. eto yung mga tipong kwentuhan nyo kahapon o last week, pero kapag naalala mo, natatawa ka pa rin. yung kahit nasa bus ka o naglalakad magisa, tawa ka pa rin ng tawa at pinagtitinginan ka na ng mga tao, pero wala kang magawa dahil di mo mapigil ang tawa mo. ahihih

selfish ako.. im tagging f4 a) sherwin b) damdam c) chie chie and d) m and janice.

update

2008-11-20T23:45:00.002+08:00

there's this story that's been brewing in my head for almost a week now. but i cant get myself to write it down. i was thinking of finally using that notebook that jp aka prince chubby and his girlfriend, jera got me from japan. ive had it middle of this year but i havent had the heart to actually use it. hindi ko rin magamit ngaun, kasi i kept thinking, id put janice's gift to use, since i promised her. (not that i have it with me now)

why not use my laptop? i saw this kirsten dunst film called how to lose friends and alienate people (oo, ganyan kahaba ang title) and it kind of struck home when she said that writing it down separates it from work or anything else, kinda makes it feel special.. pfft!!! so me to be affected by some movie..

saw kung fu panda and the secret of the furious five. downloaded enchanted the movie, and how the grinch stole christmas, the 1960s version. downloading the eclipse audio book and the movie step brothers..

phone still broken, internet still a foreign concept at home.. and work is still work.. :P

yun muna.. :D

paramdam lang :D

2008-11-18T18:58:00.001+08:00

ang dami nang nangyare pero wala..

kelangan ko na talaga ng internet.. shet.. :P

yun lang.. bow.. paramdam lang

as luck would have it

2008-11-05T14:53:00.002+08:00

so my hard drive died on me..
and my sister, for reasons unknown to me, decided that we dont need a phone line anymore
and then.. my SE phone died on me..

just as i was learning to save up, the world decides to test how serious i am about it. pfft!

so im virtually unreachable. i went to the office today so i could print some of the stuff i need for work, which officially starts next week.. i need to go online because i need to research stories for next sem's class..

so wish me luck.. on the not being reachable thing..

and oh! starbucks started the planner sticker craze.. amfanet ng planner this year.. doesnt it just get uglier by the year??? kung di lang to collection di ko to pagtitiisan.. :P

this is just my take on things

2008-10-30T00:35:00.001+08:00

"if i let my self hope and it came to nothing, that would kill me. (if nothing else) had been able to finish me off, hope would do the job"

just done with new moon. wow that was fast. a book in a day.

got that nice little quote up there, the only thing that i have loved so far about stephanie meyer. maybe because i relate to it the most.. err.. or its the closest thing that echoes my sentiments

it just says so much about me. so much of why im unhopeful most of the time..

no, im not turning into a fan. two sentences wouldnt do that to me. i am actually resigned not to read the third book after hearing that there is a fourth book. its like a twisted american version of harry potter. i think its very stupid that it would drag on as long as it already has.

its like an english telenovela plus the vampires and the other thing, which im not saying, in case people dont want me to ruin the story for them.

anyhoo.. again, that's just MY take on new moon. read it still though. im no expert.

ang saken lang naman

2008-10-28T20:55:00.002+08:00

just finished reading twilight. the stephanie meyer fad that has sweeped through this country and the states, and the online world.

my lovely friend and fellow book enthusiast, sheena, sent me an ebook copy about three, maybe four days ago.

its short. easy enough to finish in two days.

it was interesting. i cant quite say that it was interesting enough though. it didnt keep me curious enough to regret not having enough time to finish it. it wasnt like dan brown's ~~what's that title again.. argghh.. im so bad with titles, i keep thinking angels and demons~~ da vinci code, whereas i was waiting to see what would happen on the next chapter. (to which i would give credit to the cleverly sliced chapters, making readers anxious of what the next event would be). i didnt think it was also as alluring as harry potter was for my then 17 year old brain.

i guess i read it more to quell my curiosity about what all the fuss was about this book.

i honestly would be more excited about murakami's after dark (which i have yet to get my hands on) or anticipate that other book of the same german (i think) writer who wrote "the reader"

i just read twilight. there's still new moon and eclipse. im not saying i dont like it, i did, after all read through it. and im not saying that i wont read through the other two books, im just saying that i didnt like it as much as every one else did (or maybe my to disgust towards fads factored in on that) and that i wont be jumping up and down to read through the other two books anytime soon.

again, this is just my opinion on the matter. im no expert, nor am i a book critic.

dont trust my word. go and read the series if you like. this is just me and what i thought of it. i wont be spending that much money on buying the books, and im glad i didnt. i just think that i didnt shell out money for harry potter, not even for murakami or the long list of books i have yet to buy (at least i havent yet) why would i on this one?

if you want a copy, just let me know :D ill be glad to share mine :D

if i wanted drama i wouldve signed up for a play

2008-10-22T16:35:00.002+08:00

nakita ko sa isang tshirt, nakaprint dun..

oo nga naman.. if i wanted drama i wouldve signed up for it. tsk tsk tsk.. labo mo kausap.

ako kasi, if im pissed off at someone, i make it a point that that someone knows. what's the sense of the drama if im alone on it?! di ba?! so dapat alam nung person na kingagalitan o kinaiinisan mo na inis ka sa kanya.. yan ang real drama!!

panu kung di ka naman nya tinatanong. aba i blog mo! di ba alex? hindi yung nagmumokmok kang mag isa dyan at nangangarap ka na maramdaman kong nagiinarte ka! pasensya! mas marami akong mas importanteng bagay na kelangan isipin kesa sa feelings mo! machura ka! namumuro ka na saken, kumabaga sa bingo, isa nalang blackout na. (sa letrang B, babanatan na kita!)

oo, style ko na na maglabas ng sama ng loob sa blog. baket?! blog ko to e! pake mo!? at sorry ka! hindi ka kasing importante ng mga friends ko para isaalangalang ko ang feelings mo. hindi purke lalake ka, hindi kita papatulan. mas masaya nga kaaway ang mga lalake e, kasi mas nakakatawa sila kapag nagiinarte! at mas mukha silang loser. LOSER ka!! LOSER!! with a capital L!

you are not worth my time (pero binlog ko.. labo!)

mamatay ka rin! you think you're better than me? ang backward ng thinking mo. women rule!

bhelat!! dyan ka na!

fill in the blanks

2008-10-21T16:01:00.003+08:00

i got up at ____, to go to _____ for my grad school interview.. seemed i was too _____, i was up and ready at 10:00, too early for the 1:30 interview.

ate ____ for lunch and decided to leave at ______. rode a _____, then the _____, then _____ and finally a ______. got there really early and waited for the interview at the ______ department.

got interviewed at ____, by _____, dean ( or was it director) for communications. (turns out he's a philo major and not into communications at all). got asked different questions, not that i prepared for any.i _____, i ____. i _____ know what to say. it was obvious i was very ______. in my opinion, it was a _____ interview.. but that's just me :D

********************

bottom line: he said that the fact that im being interviewed was because they were interested in me and that i should know the results by the end of the week. wish me luck, cross your fingers or pray for me.. whatever rocks your boat.. hope whatever happens is what's best for me :D

nagpapaalam

2008-10-10T00:20:00.003+08:00

kelangan ko ng makikipagpustahan saken..

gusto ko kasi magseryoso muna na walang online activity for two weeks, meaning walang update ng ~~mga~~blog, walang post sa forums, walang online sa ym, walang multiply or friendster update, walang bukasan ng emailsssss.. walang comment sa blogs nyo..

feeling ko kasi di ko kaya.. alam kong di ko kaya.. internet junkie kasi ako e.. aminado ako

hello, my name is yce and im an addict..

bollocks! ahahha.. wala lang..

simulan ko kaya ngaun.. e teka lang?! bukas e online ako dahil wala lang.. dahil online ako.. hahah.. see??

ano game?? subukan ko?! two weeks..

timer starts now.. :D

***************************************************************
ps. sa mga curious sa kung anong mangyayare sa interview ko for grad school, text text nalang :D

salamat po doc

2008-10-04T15:23:00.002+08:00

kala nyo naman kung sinong doctor at kung anong klaseng pasasalamat na :p

si dr. seuss, ang pinakamamahal kong doctor sa buong mundo. which is weird, kasi di namna ako sure kung doctor talaga sya o may doctorate sya o psuedonym nya lang yun..

anyhoo, dahil sa kanya, nahilig ako sa english. naalala ko, grade three ako nun sa maliit na library ng sisters of mary immaculate school (oo, catholic school ako nagaral), nang una kong mahawakan ang librong, green eggs and ham.
halos araw araw kong binabalikan ang librong yan, dahil tuwang tuwa nga ako sa rhyming words nito at sa simple ng storya.

simula nuon, ipinangako ko na sa sarili ko na kung pagpapalain ako ng dyos na magkaanak, papalakihin ko sila sa dr. seuss books. oo! inglisero at inglisera dapat ang mga anak ko! ahahahah.

at dahil dyan.. sinimulan ko na ang pagcollect sa aking dr. seuss books.. san ko pa nga ba sisimulan kundi sa green eggs and ham :D

my very own green eggs and ham :D

haymbakkkkk!!!

2008-09-26T15:33:00.005+08:00

emoness no more!!!

thanks so much to arhey, he let me rant my tears away last night. sometimes a girl only needs someone who will listen to her incessant ranting and she'll be fine.

and of course there was axel, who was the first to make me smile yesterday when he was trying to be funny. but it worked man, it did. i dont know exaclty what you meant when you said that.. but somehow, it came across that i was not beyond redemption, that someone was bound to redeem me, either emotionally or spiritually :D so thanks man..

and then, there's jason who was eager to counsel me this morning upon hearing the words "insecure" and "I" in the same sentence. :D it feels really wonderful, parang merong akong handy na psychologists kapag nagsi-slip na naman ako at tumatagilid ang self confidence ko.

and pammie was there to just listen and be updated. she waits patiently for me to learn my own lesson... haylabyu pam :D

at most of all, there's sherwin. hindi lang proofreader, psychologist, editor, friend kundi english teacher din.. san ka pa!? habang natataranta ako sa pagtapos ng admission essay ko e nagdedebate kami kung ano ang tamang paggamit ng apposition. hehehe.. at nasermonan pa ko, twice. he almost left me to worry about my own essay pero natiis nya pa naman ang negativism ko.. haylabyu sher sher!! i owe you big time :D

at dahil nga dun, this afternoon, hinabol ko ang application for grad school second sem sa ateneo. pagbabang pagbaba ko pa lang ng tricycle sa admission hall, e i immediately fell out of place. it was nothing extraordinary, sa unang tingin the atmosphere would almost feel like UP, pero hindi e.. kapag nakikita mo na ang mga studyante, ang mga kotse, ang mga student driven car parking, naririnig mo na ang englisan (parang di inglisera e!).. i dont know.. but it felt like i really didnt belong there..

or that would be the nerves talking. the exam is tomorrow at 8am. id have to leave home at 6, so i make sure im not late.

impernesSSSSS!!!! ang mahal ng testing fee!! akala ko 500+ lang, umabot pala ng halos 700.. deyrm!! wala na tuloy akong pera!! heheheh

yun lang.. un lang kwento ko :D

nawawala

2008-09-23T19:27:00.003+08:00

nakabalik na ko mula baguio.. halata ba?! :P

pero magtatago muna ako.. aka hiatus mode.. magiisip isip..

ngaun lang ata ako nagbaguio na mas pagod pa ako pagbalik kesa nung una akong pumunta dun.. kaya heto.. dito muna ako hiatus mode.. dun naman ako magaling e :P

migraine.. no not the song

2008-09-09T19:24:00.000+08:00

my migraines back..

bad trip naman o! kung kelan malapit na kami magbaguio saka naman ako sinusumpong ng migraine ko. dont worry friends, im not whiny about my illness, as much as possible i dont tell people that im sick or that im in pain (physically, that is, i tend to go overboard-ish emo when im emotionally in pain thus making me the whiny little brat that i am). but sometimes these migraines can literally kill me or that it hurts so much, id wish i was dead instead.

its even worse because i dont believe in medicines. ayokong umiinom ng gamot kasi di ako marunong uminom ng tablet (ask jason. nakita na nya paano ako uminom ng tablet) and im too old naman para sa syrup.. hehehhehe

hindi pa ako diagnosed but technically, i do have most symptoms of mvps, one of which is migraine. dati akala ko extreme headache lang and then a nurse/friend told me about the difference between migraines and headaches.

some days, the migraines arent too bad.. i can just lie down and itll go away after some time.. and then there are days that it hurts too much i literally bang my head sa aming wooden wall.. or sometimes sa stone wall, pero di gaano kalakas.. just enough to override the pain the migraine brings.. or sometimes i pull my hair in sections.. eheheh

some days, i cant breathe and my heart palpitates like crazy.. some days im too anxious and some days im too paranoid..

isang symptom ng mvps and anxiety attacks.. i get that all the time. lalo na kapag paakyat o pababa ng baguio. this may sound morbid but i always picture the bus falling over the ravine.. ehehehe.. and i cant wait to get off the bus para lang mawala yung anxiety ko..

and other days.. it doesnt seem to manifest at all..

sana paranoid lang talaga ako.. and sana the migraines go away.. soon!! or kill me now!!

conyo mode

2008-09-05T20:56:00.004+08:00

my conyo mode is starting to turn on. it always does when im in baguio, im about to go to baguio or i just got from baguio.

(read: one can tell im super excited from all my baguio posts)

at dahil nga excited ako, iniisip ko na hihiramin ko ang digicam ng kapatid ko. isang sony digi cam na mas handy at mas maliit kumpara sa aking canon s3is. at naiisip ko na habang nasa bus palang siguro tayo (o kami, depende kung sino ang bumabasa) e nagpipichuran na tayo. i hate getting too much attention from the public, unless im up to it. at naisip ko kung malilitratuhan tayo sa bus, e sangkatutak na flash na parang kumikidlat sa loob ng bus. at syempre initial reaction ng mga tao (at mga camwh0res alike) e mapalingon sa flash ng camera. (grabe ang haba ng intro ko) kung saan habang pinipicture ko ito sa utak ko, nasabe ko na, "shucks! we're so turistas!" ayan ang conyo mode! so turistas?? its like parang ano?? hehehe

i have even imagined how id say hi to ses and when i call him and mitch, "bro," the greenies'll prolly laugh at me.

and dont even get me started with kofi or just plain conversation mode with shan. (ooppss shani, sorry. i forgot your link again)

good thing neither dee nor sarah will be there. especially sawah.. i cant get through a single sentence in tagalog when im with her. which is weird because we're both neither ingliseras when we're with our own set of friends.. hayyy!!

so here i rant about baguio.. im soo excited!! :D

ill see you guys soon!!

ps. and errr guys.. this is the veranda of the house where we'll be staying.. heheh.. pwedeng tumambay at maginuman dito.. ill ask ses kung pwede ilabas yung mga seats like we used to.. dito rin madalas nagaganap ang breakfast.. pwede rin dinner. hehehe.. depende saten :D

BEST HUMOR BLOGS

2008-09-03T23:00:00.000+08:00

ako din! sasali din ako sa Project Lafftrip Laffapalooza ni Badoodles at eto ang vote ko!

1. Ang Pilipinong Makulit ni Jason - KELANGAN PA BA NG DAHILAN DITO?? kung hindi ito humor blog, ewan ko nalang kung ano pa ang nakakatawa! kumpletos rekados, may forums, may pictures, may videos, SAN KA PA?! at higit sa lahat, napaka-interactive. hindi lang mismo ni jason, na syang may ari ng site kundi lahat ng mga readers nya. makikita mong nagsasagutan at nahihiritan ang mga nag co-comments. dito daig mo pa ang GLOBE sa lakas at ang GMA sa pag-belong. (aruy! pinilit!)

dito! ikaw ang bida! may tawa ka na, may bonus pang kaibigan!

2.Loser's Realm ni Mariano - si mariano lang ang makakahirit ng "wala na akong mahirit" at matatawa ka. sobrang witty ng blog na to (at syempre ng tao rin mismo), yung mga tipong simple things in life and the way he presents it, talagan mapapa-laugh out loud ka. mapapakamot ka talaga ng ulo (habang tumatawa) at sasabihing, "bat di ko ba naisip yun?"
game sa lahat! hindi nahihiya! sobrang sarap kasama at kausap. kahit mukhang walang sense, makikita mo ang sense kapag sya ang kausap mo!

3.Pusong Mamon ni Jeck - isa sa mga pinakauna kong kaibigan sa blog world ay si jeck. sa personal hindi mo akalaing nakakatawang tao si jeck. pandak, mukhang tomboy, tawa lang ng tawa (haylabyu jeck!) pero kapag nabasa mo ang blog ni jeck, matatawa ka rin. mula sa mga misadventures nya at sa sangkatutak nyang katangahan (lageng nawawala ang id at atm) at sa kanyang mga storyang, napakahaba man e nakakadik naman.. swak na swak talaga!

i am most safe when im with you

2008-09-02T15:05:00.003+08:00

pinagalitan ako ng tatay ko, kasi di na naman ako umuwi kagabe. mula sa isang magdamagang gimik (wag mo nang pangaraping iclick kung wala kang multiply, nakaprivate yan!) nung sunday till monday ng 3pm, saka ligo at layas ng 5pm para makidinner kila lethalverses sa makati.

kasama sila damdam, chroneicon, mariano, jeck, pam at si axel, nagdinner kami at nagkwentuhan.

most of my friends refer to the greenies (when associated with me) as my "blog friends" which they are. katulad ng sinabe ni LV, sa thread na ito, nagtatampo na rin ang mga kaibigan ko saken dahil hindi na nila ako nakakasamang lumabas, samantalang kapag greenies ang may tawag, kahit kulang sa tulog, halos walang pera, biglaan, andyan ako kagad.

kaninang umaga, pauwi ng bahay, habang inaanticipate ko ang sermon ng tatay ko, e napaisip ako kung ano bang idadahilan ko sa kanya. the truth is, i love being with the greenies because i feel at my safest when im with them. alam ko kasing walang mangyayareng masama saken kapag sila ang kasama ko. alam kong hindi ako huhusgahan ng mga taong ito. alam kong sa bawat pagsasama namen, aware man kami o hindi, we help each other become better people.

hindi ako girly. i carry my own weight, walk my own pace and like to think of myself as an independent woman. pero aminin naman nateng mga girls, kahit hindi tayo girly, we like being taken care of. that's another thing i like about the greenies, i can be girly or independent when im with them. i know they always have my back.

i can be goofy. i can be funny. i can be quiet. i can be crazy. i can be girly. i can be smart. i can be stupid. i can be gay. i can be fat. i can be nice. i can be mad. i can be my many other complexities but i will always be loved.

cheers friends!

dont ask me how i am

2008-08-30T22:41:00.001+08:00

meron kaming saket na mga lj-bloggers. at least ako at yung mga lj friends ko.. bihira kaming magblog kapag masaya kami. hindi ko rin alam kung baket, pero ang hiatus mode sa lj blog, e not brought about by "kadramahan" o problema, instead, its when we feel most elated and socially alive that we ~~forget~~dont find the time to blog. so kung ganyan ang argument e di logically malungkot ako dahil nagboblog ako ngaun. errr.. not necessarily.. hindi naman ako malungkot. on the other hand, i cannot confidently say na masaya rin ako.. basta ang alam ko confused ako..

**********

i want to go to baguio! gusto kong tumakas, gusto kong magtago. apir ayz! dyan ka naman magaling e, sa pagtakas at sa pagtatago. toinks. i need to baguio myself! or as we say it, I NEED TO BAGUIO MY FACE!!! kelan kaya ako makakaakyat ng baguio. si tj kasi di umuwi e, di tuloy ako nagkadahilan para mag baguio.

**********

something to make me feel better:

one of my favorite f.r.i.e.n.d.s. moments is halloween party at monica and chandler's apartment. everyone's all dolled up, phoebe is supergirl, monica is catwoman, chandler is a big pink bunny and ross is mr. spud (i forgot what rachel was). so in comes joey wearing a suit. everyone is disappointed that joey didnt put too much effort to dress up for their party. they ask him why so and he says he is in costume, he's chandler and he goes on to imitate chandler and he is GOOD!

wala lang share ko lang baka kailanganin nyo e :P

antok

2008-08-25T15:30:00.001+08:00

"you could either have a life with him or a life with me. its not easy but its that simple." - house

walang koneksyon ang quote na yan sa post ko, gusto ko lang yung quote.

ginising mo ako. di lang isang beses kundi dalawa.

ginulat mo ang aking diwa at sa isang iglap muntik na akong maniwala, muntik nang umasa na di pa huli ang lahat.

gustong kong bumawi ng tulog. ngunit binubulabog ng sumisigaw kong mga tanong ang aking isipan.

pikit man ang aking mata, dilat naman ang damdaming iyong ginising.

para sabihin lang na di ka magtatagal dito sa aking piling.

lilisan ka rin pala, sana di ka nalang nagsabi..

update

2008-08-24T12:31:00.001+08:00

*drums fingers on her chin*

*does the "yatta"-ala-hero-nakamura pose*

*starts typing a few words*

*hits ctrl+a then delete*

*stares at odette(the laptop) for about 20 minutes*

*jolted out of trance by a cellphone message*

*replies to cellphone message*

*stares at odette for another 20 minutes*

*checks email*

*stares back at odette*

*eats cupcakes*

*stares back at odette*

*watches an episode or two of criminal minds*

*stares back at odette*

*repeat last two action over and over*

ay! wala pala akong masabe! :D

san ba nakakapulot ng self confidence

2008-08-18T13:48:00.003+08:00

samahan mo na rin ng determination. kung di man sila napupulot, nabibili ba sila? meron ba nyan sa DV? e sa greenhills? baka naman sa mga botiques ng mga sikat na malls sa pinas.

ngaun linggo dapat simulan ko nang asikasuhin ang pagproprocess ng admission ko para sa graduate school aka masters. so far, nakadownload na ako ng application form at recommendation form. so far.. pero apart from that, wala pa akong picture, wala akong NSO birth certificate, di ko mahanap ang TOR ko, kasama na rin ang aking undergrad diploma. wala akong maisulat sa admission essay ko.

tinatamaan ako ng matinding matinding self doubt. kahit na ilang beses na akong inencourage ng mga kaibigan ko, at pati ni chai, na nagsabe na sa university na aming papasukan e mas binibigyan weight nila ang ability ng isang estudyante na magcope o adjust sa environment ng uni na yun. so di mahalaga na di ka ganun ka-smart to begin with.

natakot ako sa 85% na grade. ang pagkakaintindi ko nung nagtanong ako, 85% of your GWA. ohmaygad! hindi ko alam kung maabot ko ba yang grade na yan. 4 ata ang 5 ko nung college, 1 o 2 INC. potek! panu na ang kinabukasan ko nyan?!

sabe naman ng kaibigan ko,
encouragement no.1 - 85% sa admission exam kelangan yun.. . takte! baka sumablay din ako dun.
encouragement no.2 - madali lang ang exam, more on logic. teka! logical ba ako magisip? parang hindi ata. huhu
encouragement no.3 - kaya mo yan, ikaw pa! ako? e sino ba ako?! ano ba ko? ano na bang na-achieve ko sa 25 years ko sa buhay na to?!

tinatamaan na naman ako ng matinding insecurity. meron part saken na nagsasabe na kaya ko.. at meron part naman ang chumachallenge sa part na yun at nagsasabeng, "what makes you so sure?"

naalala ko tuloy ang post na to ni francis brew sa kanyang livejournal. (yes, we're blog friends)may part dyan where he said this

the magnified attention went to my head. my insecurities were now under a facade of quiet arrogance.

that is somehow what i feel.. gawd! i need help.. but i need immediate encouragement.. that i am not beyond salvation..

peter pan syndrome

2008-08-17T21:45:00.000+08:00

i never want to be too old for toys
make believe, building blocks, puzzles and cute little boys
i never want to be too old to climb trees;
blow bubbles, balloons, cotton candy and ice cream.

i never want to be too old to watch cartoons,
horror movies, fairy tales, blues clues..
i never want to be too old to do silly things
run around doing crazy stunts, bike adventures, "little" fun.

i never want to be too old to make rhymes;
write stories, poems, BELIEVE IN LOVE.
i never want to be too old to believe in prince charming;
white horses, big castles and the happily ever after they bring.

i never want to be too old to scream;
roller coasters, merry-go-rounds, carnival rides, fun house..
i never want to be too old to run;
skate and believe that i could fly.

i never want to be too old for anything.
but best of all, i never want to be too old to believe in dreams.
BELIEVE IN MYSELf and WHAT I CAN BE.
I'LL NEVER BE TOO OLD FOR ANYTHING. :D

nahalukay sa lumang starbucks-slash-scrapbook. pagbigyan nyo na ko.. kelangan ko nito.. i need to believe in myself that i can be whatever i want to be.. my admission to graduate school lies in how i perceived myself.. a fairy dust here and there.. and i am tinkerbell fluttering around with peter pan..

overhauled

2008-08-12T00:57:00.001+08:00

hindi yung page.. kundi yung content ng blog :D
in the past kasi, wala naman akong masyadong theme, basta naisip ko tagalog, ok na un, may sense, walang sense, basta tagalog at feel ko, isusulat ko sya.
pero lately (actually kagabe) naisip ko na bahala na. time to overhaul my blog. wala nang "theme" - isusulat ko na kahit ano. tagalog, ingles, may sense, walang sense, tula, storya, kalokohan, trips, pangbabae, panglalalake, pangbata, pangmatanda, x-rated, mature content, kahit ano!
pero dahil hindi lang naman ang content ng blog na to ang magoo-overhaul kundi pati ang utak ko, e malamang hiatus mode na naman ako.. oo. na naman..
bat ko naisip na ganito? e kasi kesa naman lumipat na naman ako ng bagong site. nakakatamad na. kaya eto. ganito nalang. hide nalang lahat ng lumang post and start from scratch..
kaya hidden lahat ng old posts ko.. even those that i like a lot.. :( its sad but i like to think of it as something new.
sana lang talaga this time e seryoso na ko :P
photos by kurt halsey