Holding back...

I fear I'm going to go, if I'm already not, crazy. The pressure, exhaustion, and frustration (among other things) at work is something I fear I can't handle. But I'm not going crazy because of that, I'm going crazy as the effect of not being able to unload those things.

Last night, I "tried" cutting myself. I didn't want to cry plus I was really curious about what cutting is all about. I saw something pointy in our bathroom and started running it along the inside of my arm(because that's the only place I could conceal it, I rarely wear t shirts or short sleeves lately) somehow, it made me temporarily focus on the pain of the pin. (Yep, I'm a coward like that, I didn't even use a knife, just a pointy needle like thing I found in our bathroom) but what I fear most is that ill like it, that it'll start with that pin and escalate to something sharper and more dangerous in the future. :( this is what scares me.

I don't have anyone to talk to, mainly because I'm too proud to give in to tears or to the emotional baggage of letting things out. And so, this is my back up plan. No, I don't need psychiatric help ( I hope not) writing has always been my friend and I hope that this would somehow substitute the lack of an actual person to talk to, at least for now..

Comments

Anonymous said…
Hey. It will get better. Don't lose hope.
ayzprincess said…
Dear anonymous,

Thank you, these three little sentences has already made me feel a little better. Yes things will get better. Thank you for reminding me :)
Anonymous said…
Hi. i'm shocked. i hope you are better now. you are smart, gifted and beautiful. don't cut yourself. God loves you.
ayzprincess said…
hey,
thanks for the concern, this was a few years back when i was in a very dark place in my life. im good now. im actually great. thanks for the concern :)