From where I sat I saw leave the table where she was sitting. I followed her with my gaze, she walked a few steps, looked around and started to head outside. She stopped when she reached the gazebo, sat at the top of the five step stair and removed her shoes. Carefully, she placed them right next to her and started massaging her foot. Watching her, I felt the need to accompany her. So I, too, stood up and headed to where she was sitting. She smiled when she saw me coming towards her, "Can i?" I asked and when she smiled I took that as an approval and sat at the foot of the stairs.
I looked up at her and she is looking away, rubbing her palms against her arms. I took off my coat and offered it to her, "You must be cold," I said. I saw her starting to reach for the coat but changed her mind at the last minute and instead said, "No. I'm fine. Thank you."
I couldn’t find the right words to begin a conversation. Truth is, I really didn’t think much when I decided to come out here and sit with her. I opened my mouth to say something but thought twice and didn’t say anything. She mustve seen that because she asked, "you okay?" I was still at a loss for words, so I just looked at her and nodded.
"Okay," I heard her say. From the tone of her voice, I knew that she silence was starting to get to her and if none of us would say anything in the next few seconds, she will stand up and leave. So without really thinking it through, I said, "Are you," I looked at her then looked away, "with anyone right now?"
I heard her laugh. For a moment I was afraid to look at her but I knew that now the cat was out of the bag and there was no taking it back, so I looked at her and she had this puzzled look. "You really want to know?" she seemed unsure if she was going to answer or not. I nodded not really knowing what to say. "okay," she smiled. "I am," she paused, "I think hanging out, is the right term-"
"yes, because you do not believe in dating," saying it louder than I should have. She definitely heard that.
"Okay," she laughed. "yeah. I've been constantly hanging out with this guy for quite some time but its nothing serious.. Yet." emphasizing on the word yet. "we're taking things slow. I mean, I'm taking things slow." I could see her eyes shine as she talked about him. And I didn’t understand how that made me feel but I stood up and started walking away. Then I stopped. I realized that I have to get things off my chest. So I turned around and walked back to the gazebo. She was trying really hard not to laugh but also looked baffled with what was happening. She let out a little giggle and asked, "Is something wrong?"
"do you love me?" I asked.
Now the laughter was gone and she just looked confused, "excuse me?"
I couldn’t believe that she actually wanted me to repeat the question, "do you love me?" I asked again.
She started to say something but ended up with, "seriously?" she looked amused but I cant really be sure. "You really want to do this right now? Right here? Me? Answer that question. You're serious?" and when I kept quiet, she started to say, "okay," nodded and continued, "okay. What do you think?" when I still didn’t say anything she went on and said, "Okay. After cheating on me and leaving me high and dry for another woman, after breaking all your promises, not to mention my heart including, after leading me to believe that we could still work things out when clearly you were just waiting for me to give up on us, after all of that and more.. Do you honestly think that I would still have feelings for you? What do you think?" she was very sarcastic about the whole thing. I didn’t know if I should feel hurt, besides, she had a point and I know I couldn’t blame her for feeling that way.
I mustve been quiet for a long time because she sighed and said, "that was mean, I'm sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I'm sorry.
"why did we break up?" I asked setting her apology aside.
She laughed again, "seriously? Didn’t you hear anything that I said? Would you really want me to repeat all of that?"
I could feel that she was trying really hard to keep the atmosphere as light and friendly as she can. "I'm sorry," I apologized. "I shouldn’t have said that. What I meant to say is.." I stopped, looking for the right words to explain what I wanted to say but I saw her shaking her head. And before I could say anything else, she said. "no. don’t go there. Please. We're just going to end up saying hurtful things and hurting each other." once again she shook her head and said, "so, no. let's not go there."
And for a time, we were both quiet but I still couldn’t give up, I needed to let her know, I needed to say it so when our eyes met I said, "we were so good together."
She walked away, sighed, and said "yes." and then she turned back and smiled. and for a moment I thought I she was going to say the words I wanted to hear, instead she said, "but we are so much better apart," and started walking farther away..