the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

the year is coming to an end. and i look back and think what have i been through and what have i accomplished or in most cases messed up.

im prolly the most inconsistent person one could ever meet. i will hear things out and decide to do things but then wake up the next day doing the exact opposite thing. true to one of my favorite songs, [sometimes most of the time] " and ill let it be known, times i have shown, times of all my weakness. but somewhere in me, there is strength. and you promised me, that you believed, in time i will defeat this. coz somewhere in me there is strength. and today ill trust you with the confidence for man whose never known defeat and ill try my best to just forget, that that man isnt me. and you said i know that this will hurt. but if i dont break your heart then things will just get worse. if the burden seems too much to bear, remember, the end will justify the pain in took to get us there."

and it has become painful.. the burden has become too much to bear.. much too much that it clouds what may be in store for me, that for a time I forgot that the end can justify all that ive been trough. i have come closed to giving up. oh yes i have. more than once even. scratch that. i have given up, more than once..

but ive met the best people this year, people who believe in me and saw what im worth and what i can be worth. people who hate me for my negativity but nonetheless stand by and behind me. never have i before been challenge to challenge myself, to make something out of my situation, to be something.. i have never before told that i have changed in a short span of time or realized that i actually have.

as much as i am proud to say (as i know these people that ive met are) that i have indeed made sharp curves and turns for the better "me," i know im far from actually being the best person i can be. i still stumble and trust me, ive so much negative aura i can suck out the most positive energy there is around me (ive been kissed, threatened, snapped at, walked out on, among other things just to shut me up) but im always grateful to them, to what they've given me and what they've taught me in the shortest time.

last year, i remember doing a year end album on my multiply summing up the year in pictures. this year, i was initially preparing to do the same thing (well, at least until before i found out wxyz, my hard drive, needs reformatting and i kind of really didnt feel like it anymore and moreso because i thought of doing something else. :D

id like to honor the people who have helped me come close to what i am today and whose still continuing to help me get to my full potential.

i miss you lexie :P

alex aka gasul, you are the first greenie that ive ever met. we miss you dearly. you were the first person to look beyond the drama that i put forward. you saw me as a friend not as patient to practice your psychology on, you gave me advice and not psychotherapy. alex, after everything, know that you'll always have a friend in me and that we all look forward for your vaca here. :D

bambam, thanks for always believing in me.

bambam aka jason aka greenpinoy, without him, none of these will be possible. through his site and forums, ive met the most amazing people one could ever hope to meet in this lifetime. jason, you are the person i revered most. i respect your intellectual and emotional intelligence, your authority above things and your ability to think under pressure.. your dedication to your work and your passion, your love for your mom and your family. how you manage your time and your priorities, how you stay smart amidst everything. you are smart, brave, kind, compassionate, passionate, a leader in every way. i love how you see what i could be and that you never give up however stubborn i get. thank you. these words i write will never fully express my gratitude to you.

chie chie, you will always be my fave crush. come home soon! :D

chie chie aka chroneicon, i miss you. its been two weeks but truthfully it feels like a lifetime already. you know that i love you and im thankful that you're you in my life and that you were the first one to respond when i needed a friendly voice. and a friendly voice you are and will always be. i will always be choosing you if i get stuck in an island because you are smart and you say the most sensible things. because you are the perfect gentleman and i you will always piggy back carry me when i make lambing. you will always smell good even when you're sweating and you will always be a good basketball player without running. you may sleep most of the time but you are more awake every time. i miss you chie chie.. i miss you dearly.

kuya sher, thank you sa lahat, for always looking after me :D and for getting me drunk :P

kuya sher sher aka lethalverses, you will always be my overprotective big brother. someone i was never allowed to be blood related to but i know will always be my brother in every other way. you curse, you get mad, you laugh, you make jokes, you give advice, you push me, you believe in me, you encourage me. you listen. you are smart and talented, one of the best writers ive ever and i will ever meet. i feel most safe around you because i know that you will always have my back yet never tolerate it when im wrong. i love you kuya sher, please know that i do and i am thankful for your role in my life.

m. alam ko lab mo ko, lab din kita. sabe pala ng hiskul bestfriend ko ang cute mo daw. ehehe :D

christian aka mariano, first of, please dont kill me for calling you christian :D you make fun of me, you laugh at me but i know that's your way of challenging me to look beyond my insecurity. you are smart and funny without trying and you can be really serious when you want to. i hold dearest to my heart the conversation we've shared in the lightest tone but with the deepest of faith and hope that this life could offer us. i know im not in any position to say this but please see the most wonderful person that i see in you, as i know you wish on me too. keep smiling and always be happy. :D

i know goddess is already your soul sister but here's to hoping i could be a strayed adopted little sister :D

damdam err.. you dont have an alias, at least not to me, no :D you're short tempered, you're ruthless, you're blunt but most of all you're honest and loving and caring. i remember being intimidated by your mere presence, afraid even but i also remember thinking that we are alike in most ways than we both can imagine or care to admit. why? i dont have any idea, i just know we are. hehehe. you walk out on my stubborn ass most of the time but the best thing is you've always come back and hold my hand and whisper comforting words like the mother and older sister you are. thank you for letting me call shotgun :D for sharing all those stories with me and letting me talk about chie or my life or the greenies or santi or anything else. once the person that intimidates me most now drives me to places, takes me and introduced me yogurt shake, drives all the way to san pedro to surprise me, spends her money on gas, lets me leech of their wifi, and just plainly lets me know that im wanted and needed. love you dam, you're the only girl ill kiss. ehehhe

here's to hoping we could do this again, missing you much pammie :D

pammie, you're the one that i miss the most. like what i told you, you're one of the selfless people i know. you listen even when you are busy and you meet me whenever you're available. we talk about us as if we're not talking about us but we understand fully what we mean. we create secret blogs and password protected entries and we let each other read it because we feel most comfortable with each other. after everything pammie, i miss our ym conversations, how we're all excited when we see each other or when we have something exciting to tell each other. i miss you so much pammie more than your mom's chicken or our juicy gossips. i hope to see you soon :D

here's to unspoken stories and laughable moments :D thanks euen

euen aka kuletz, ive known you the shortest time but you placed your trust on me so much, makes me want to trust and believe in myself a little more like you and the others do. we laugh, we share stories, we kid around and we go on covert "dates" ahahaha.. thank you, for trusting me with things that you have, for believing that i am capable of keeping my mouth shut. ive never said this, but i am actually envious and equally happy for you. i could only hope to find what you have and pray that you keep what youve found. i got this txt msg this morning and i say the same thing to you, "viva bene, spesso l'amore, di risalta molto." (live well, love much, laugh often) love you dearest :D

i could not mention everyone but know that you've all had a part in helping me become a better person and i could not have a better year or have chosen better friends for all of you have been everything a nuerotic, insensitive, stubborn, immature, feeling little girl could ever have. and i pray the same thing everyday, that you will never give up nor ever get tired of me and the drama that i bring. i love you guys to the very core and i will be eternally grateful to god, to fate, to the maker or who or whatever made it possible for you to become part of my life.

to my greenpinoy family, the merriest of this holiday and happy new year :D


Anonymous said…
hayaan mo ayz next year, resolution ko, `di na ako mag tataray.. okay joke yan. mahirap yun. ahaha.. alam nyo naman na mahal ko kayo at pag di ako nag taray isa lang ibigsabihin nun, i dont care na. e love ko kayo.. so paano yan? wahaha!

serious mode muna, your very much welcome. you know me naman. ang importante sa akin e masaya tayong lahat at sama sama. thick or thin, nanjan ako. mwah!

love you!!
ayzprincess said…
i love you bits dam.. and know that i am always grateful. what makes us different from each other is what draws us together and i will never have it any other way than that.

this is just trying to sum up how blessed i feel to be a part of this family and to have known all of you. sobrang sudden to, kaya di ko nga na include ung iba.. pero hopefully, alam nila how impt they are to me too..

love you lots and cant wait to see you :D
Anonymous said…
awww how sweet... natouch ako gurl!!

at baket naman ang angas ng pic ko dyan? ahuhu...

seriously din, isipin mo na lang na labs ka din namin - despite your negativity.

sa marami pang taon ng greenies, you bitch!!!
leyn said…
i have to commend, ikaw pinaka thoughtful sa greenies.

gusto tuloy kita kulutin.

lol happy new year!

di na ko mang ookray ng regalo pramis.
M Cueshe said…
Girl!!!! Merry Christmas at happy new year!

That is so "aaaaaaaaawwwwwwww"

Oy salamat salamat. Walang magbabago dito, aasarin pa din kita kahit anong mangyare, I'm evil like that yo!

At gaya ni damdam, kapag di kita inasar, di kita labs, kaya kapag inaasar kita, kiligin ka na non, sulitin mo dahil pagmamahal ko ang ibinubuhos ko sa bawat bigkas ko ng pandudusta diyan sa tiyan mo.

At oo nga, malambing ka at you can thoughtful talaga to us. xoxo to the infinity to you Ayz! Mwuah!
Anonymous said…
pacomment nga. hihihi.

katulad nang sinabi nila, isa itong touching entry mo ayz na nabasa ko. hahaha. teka mukhang magiging mahaba itong comment ko hahaha.

ayz, ikaw ang unang greenies na nakachat ko(bukod kay fb) at namit ko. remember?? hihihi. marami din tayong napagkwentuhan simula sa paborito mong KK at chocolates hanggang sa mga kaibigan mong kung ano ano na ang sinabi mo eh ndi pa rin nakikinig sayo.

hindi na rin tayo naging ganun ka close dahil ako naman itong bihira lang sumama sa mga lakad.

ayun, naalala ko pa nang sinabi ni gasul nung magtampo ako na parang ako daw eh ikaw nung mga panahon na bago ka palang. hahaha. shet naman kasi naging big deal naman kasi yung pagblog ko nun eh lols.

pero kahit ganun, salamat din at nakilala kita ayz at nakilala ko kayo, ang greenies. sinulat ko din sa year end report ko na ang pagkakakilala ko sa greenies ay isa sa naging highlights ng taong 2008 para sa akin. ayun. sana next year kumain ka na ng mushroom, yun lang hahaha :) happy new year :)

Popoy I.
kuletz said…
aww kakatouch naman! thanks din ayz for everything! para narin kitang sister!
hahaha natawa naman ako sa covert "dates"!!! yaan mo lagi naten gagawin yan!! hahaa joke!

naging big part rin saken ang greenies dahil snyo lalong sumaya ang buhay ko!!! maraming salamat sa lahat ng greenies!!!
ayzprincess said…
@ kuya sher, e kasi naman wala tayong ibang matinong pic, di ko alam kung baket.. isama mo pang nagloloko si hard drive at di ko ma-access ibang files and pictures ko, i had to do this last night bago tuluyang di ko na ma-access ang mga pictures ko, kakatamad namang balikan isa isa sa multiply..

at syempre alam kong love nyo ko.. and im grateful everyday for that love and the friendship..

@leyn - sige kulutin mo ko, now na! ahahah.. im glad you like the gift. pasensya na, wala tayong picture together kaya yung kasama nalang si m. ahaha at kahit di ka kasama sa mga inisa isa ko dito, alam mo naman ang impluwensya mo saken. ehhehe.. i think twice before i buy tshirts and nageeffort na kong maging gurlash.. yung comment mo saken nung clear na sana lage nalang akong ganun, meant so much to me :D happy new year!!

@m - hahaha.. oo mahal din kita. at alam kong yun ang paraan ng pagpapakita mo saken na you care (gatas??) e ang pangaalipusta mo. salamat at pinagpapapraktisan mo ko ng english mo at ng mga jokes mo.. tama si kuya sher, to the years to come! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

@popoy - oo nga! hindi pa tayo nanghoholdap ng bangko para ibenta sa ukay ang damit ng mga naholdap naten. ahahaha..tama ka popoy, di na tayo close dahil tamad na rin ako magtxt at indian pana ka talaga sa lakaran. hehehe.. pero marami pa namang araw at taon para baguhin yun. minsan sinusumpong talaga ako ng kasungitan ko, pasensya na.. pero salamat at andyan ka pa rin, at WOWW!! nag comment ka! ahihi

@euen - oo, hihintayin ko yang covert "dates" naten.. pero sana, ikaw rin maisama ko sa covert "date" ko. ahahahha. sobrang happy ako para sayo.. thank you sa pagtitiwala at pagtrato saken na di na iba :D

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! pengeng boys! ahahha :P
ayzprincess said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
greenpinoy said…
aaaaaaaw kaka touching ball.

basta ayz lagi mong tatandaan, kaya mo yan! fight lang ng fight! go lang ng go! :)

welcome at salamat din at you didnt give up on us when we were too much to handle hehe

at sabi nga ni leyn, ikaw ang pinakathoughtful sa lahat ng greenies. at not to mention pinakamasipag!!! kung may frequent flyer miles lang ang sinasakyan mong bus tuwing magpupunta kang gimik ng greenies, lugi na sila! hahaha

we love you!
ayzprincess said…
i can never give up on people who make me realize my worth. :D

sana nga may frequent flier chorva ang mga bus, e di libre na lahat ng paglabas ko ng maynila. ahihih

love ko kayong lahat pramis :D
Anonymous said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
bert loi said…
miss you too!


heheheh jowk! happy new year!
ayzprincess said…
akala ko ikaw si alex. ahahah :D

hello po! thanks for dropping by..

or ikaw talaga si alex gamit mo lang ibang profile. :headscratch:
Pam Bertulano said…

Namimiss ko nang tawagin ka sa ym ng ganyan, bihira na tayo mag abot e. I super miss you ayz.

Hope we can see each other soon, marami akong kwento. hehehe. At may utang pa ko sa yo :p

Happy New year!
Anonymous said…

ako rin na miss ko na kwentuhan naten.. nasa the fort ka na kasi ngaun, pero meron din namang KK dun. ahahah.. mas panget nga lang, dami kasi lage tao!!

kwentuhan tayo tara lets!!