i need you back

From where I sat I saw leave the table where she was sitting. I followed her with my gaze, she walked a few steps, looked around and started to head outside. She stopped when she reached the gazebo, sat at the top of the five step stair and removed her shoes. Carefully, she placed them right next to her and started massaging her foot. Watching her, I felt the need to accompany her. So I, too, stood up and headed to where she was sitting. She smiled when she saw me coming towards her, "Can i?" I asked and when she smiled I took that as an approval and sat at the foot of the stairs.

I looked up at her and she is looking away, rubbing her palms against her arms. I took off my coat and offered it to her, "You must be cold," I said. I saw her starting to reach for the coat but changed her mind at the last minute and instead said, "No. I'm fine. Thank you."

I couldn’t find the right words to begin a conversation. Truth is, I really didn’t think much when I decided to come out here and sit with her. I opened my mouth to say something but thought twice and didn’t say anything. She mustve seen that because she asked, "you okay?" I was still at a loss for words, so I just looked at her and nodded.

"Okay," I heard her say. From the tone of her voice, I knew that she silence was starting to get to her and if none of us would say anything in the next few seconds, she will stand up and leave. So without really thinking it through, I said, "Are you," I looked at her then looked away, "with anyone right now?"

I heard her laugh. For a moment I was afraid to look at her but I knew that now the cat was out of the bag and there was no taking it back, so I looked at her and she had this puzzled look. "You really want to know?" she seemed unsure if she was going to answer or not. I nodded not really knowing what to say. "okay," she smiled. "I am," she paused, "I think hanging out, is the right term-"

"yes, because you do not believe in dating," saying it louder than I should have. She definitely heard that.

"Okay," she laughed. "yeah. I've been constantly hanging out with this guy for quite some time but its nothing serious.. Yet." emphasizing on the word yet. "we're taking things slow. I mean, I'm taking things slow." I could see her eyes shine as she talked about him. And I didn’t understand how that made me feel but I stood up and started walking away. Then I stopped. I realized that I have to get things off my chest. So I turned around and walked back to the gazebo. She was trying really hard not to laugh but also looked baffled with what was happening. She let out a little giggle and asked, "Is something wrong?"

"do you love me?" I asked.

Now the laughter was gone and she just looked confused, "excuse me?"

I couldn’t believe that she actually wanted me to repeat the question, "do you love me?" I asked again.

She started to say something but ended up with, "seriously?" she looked amused but I cant really be sure. "You really want to do this right now? Right here? Me? Answer that question. You're serious?" and when I kept quiet, she started to say, "okay," nodded and continued, "okay. What do you think?" when I still didn’t say anything she went on and said, "Okay. After cheating on me and leaving me high and dry for another woman, after breaking all your promises, not to mention my heart including, after leading me to believe that we could still work things out when clearly you were just waiting for me to give up on us, after all of that and more.. Do you honestly think that I would still have feelings for you? What do you think?" she was very sarcastic about the whole thing. I didn’t know if I should feel hurt, besides, she had a point and I know I couldn’t blame her for feeling that way.

I mustve been quiet for a long time because she sighed and said, "that was mean, I'm sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I'm sorry.

"why did we break up?" I asked setting her apology aside.

She laughed again, "seriously? Didn’t you hear anything that I said? Would you really want me to repeat all of that?"

I could feel that she was trying really hard to keep the atmosphere as light and friendly as she can. "I'm sorry," I apologized. "I shouldn’t have said that. What I meant to say is.." I stopped, looking for the right words to explain what I wanted to say but I saw her shaking her head. And before I could say anything else, she said. "no. don’t go there. Please. We're just going to end up saying hurtful things and hurting each other." once again she shook her head and said, "so, no. let's not go there."

And for a time, we were both quiet but I still couldn’t give up, I needed to let her know, I needed to say it so when our eyes met I said, "we were so good together."

She walked away, sighed, and said "yes." and then she turned back and smiled. and for a moment I thought I she was going to say the words I wanted to hear, instead she said, "but we are so much better apart," and started walking farther away..

IN ANOTHER LIFE

The bathroom door slams.

I dropped down on the bed, resolve and strength draining out of me. For a moment the room was quiet and then I started to laugh. I think I might have laughed a little too loud because the bathroom door flew open and there stood Karl, refusing to cross whatever invisible line that separated the bathroom and our bedroom. "What's so funny?" he asked, annoyance still evident in his tone.

"I don’t know why we were fighting," I said in between laughs, "do you?"

He looked away and with a scowl said, "No!"

"I just thought it was funny-" I stifled my laughter and let the silence reign between us. However brief the silence we shared was, sadly, was also the closest thing we ever had to peace these past few months. And just as suddenly, I felt the tears coming, "I'm tired," I told Karl as I sighed and finally let the tears fall.

Seeing my tears, Karl rushed over to sit beside me, "Let's sleep," he said, wiping away my tears.

I shook my head no, "No Karl," the tears unstoppable now. "I'm tired."

"I don’t understand," he says, searching for the answer in my glistening eyes. "Are we fighting again?"

I kept quiet, building up the courage to say what I had to say and do what I needed to do. But before I could say anything else Karl started to speak again, "Are we breaking up?" He grabs my shoulders and starts to shake me, "Ynah. Ynah please. Talk to me."

I look him in the eyes, unable to find the right words but finally saying, "I'm tired Karl. I'm tired of making it work, of living through the endless fights, the chaos.. We've been over this for the past few months and yet every time we hit the same wall." I wipe the tears from my eyes, frantic to do something with my hands lest I hold onto him and change my mind. "We're just going through the motions Karl. You know as well as I do that when we moved in together it wasn’t because we wanted to but because we felt that after years of being together that was the next logical step for us to take." I stopped to catch my breath.

"That's not true!" he protested.

"Do you love me?" I ask him. He turned his head to look away from me. I felt my heart being thrown out of the window. I placed my hand on his knee, "Karl.."

He stood up. "This can't be happening. This is not happening. We can't let this happen. We CAN make this work Ynah. WE can't let this happen to us. Not now. We just got engaged. I just put a ring - on your finger.." he said the last three words slowly as realization swept over him, I wasn’t wearing the ring.

"Do you love me Karl?" I asked again.

He turned his back on me and hesitated before saying, "I do."

I walked over to where he was standing, "Enough to want to marry me?" I see his eyes brim with tears. "Motions Karl." I tried to smile through our tears, "We don’t have to go over them just because people expect us to do so.." I placed the ring in his hands and smiled. He looked at me with those questioning eyes and I just nodded, scared that words would break the sanctity of what we have just come to understand.

Finally, he nods too, walks over to his car keys and out of the apartment. As the door closes on me, my knees finally gave in and I sat there sprawled on the floor. Crying.

Staring at the moon has always made me feel calm. So I preferred sitting out here under the blanket of the starless sky and the faint glow of the moon than the laughter and music inside. Here, I was alone and I could think..

"I didn’t think I'd see you out here," a voice too familiar invaded my solitude. The voice I've tried so hard to forget.

Without looking from where the voice originated, I said, "I wasn’t really planning on going but I had nothing better to do.. So here I am.."

I could feel his eyes on me, so I finally turned to look at the owner of the voice. He was now sitting next to me, a foot or so away, as if some invisible wall wouldn’t allow us to be near to each other. "I wasn’t aware that you were one of the guests of honor tonight," I began..

Even before I can continue, he cut me short with, "and if you were, would you have still come?" he asked, his eyes questioning my honesty.

I couldn’t answer or maybe I didn’t want to answer. I didn’t know what to say. I'm not sure what I would've done if I knew he would be here. I honestly don’t know if I would've still gone. I smiled instead, stood and sat on the opposite bench so that now we sat face to face.

I stared back at the moon, enjoying the serenity it brought me. "I haven't seen you attend these school-organized parties in a while," he said, following my gaze up at the sky.

"I've been away," I answered without looking at him.

"Almost a year away?"

I looked at him questioning

"I've been counting," he answered my unvoiced inquiry, " what have you been up to?"

I shook my head smiling and just shrugged. I didn’t want to talk to him about the year that we spent apart. I didn’t want to talk to him about anything. I didn’t want to talk at all.

Then out of the blue, he speaks, "It was wrong for me to leave you.."

"It was wrong for us to be together to begin with," I sighed.

"And for us to take on that chance to be happy? Was that wrong too?" He stood up to cross the distance between us and to site next to me.

"It was wrong because we were stepping on other people's happiness," I shot back, "you know that, don’t you?" I couldn’t take it anymore, I stood up to leave but he right in front of me and took my hand. "We could still be together," he said.

I let his hand linger for a second or two, as I looked anywhere but our touching hands - thinking that those few seconds of our hands touching compensated the year that we spent apart.

And then the silence was broken by, "So you've met my husband," a voice I know too well, too.

Startled, I almost jumped. I shook the hand that was holding mine and addressed the lady behind him, "Yes professor, I was just saying how nice it is to have met him. I was just about to go inside," I said almost out of breath.

"Why not hang around here with us first," she asked.

I noticed our hands still held on to each other, once again I shook it and told both of them, "I really should go inside. Some of the grad students are probably looking for me." I started to walk away.

"Ms. Gonzales," the professor called out to me. I turned around. "Will you be enrolling this semester? We have been missing you for some time now." Rumor around school was that I was her favorite student. And she was my favorite professor. At least up until the point when I started the affair with the man next to her.

"I'm not sure," I called back. "I', taking a trip and I don’t know when I'll be back in time for school."

"Is that so?" she asked, as if refusing to let the subject, "I hope you come back in time. It would be nice to have you in my class again."

I just smiled politely and shrugged my shoulders. I turned back around and just as I was walking back to the party I heard her ask him, "So what were you two talking about?" I didn’t wait for his reply. I walked right back into the noise letting it silence the voices around me…

Silence the voices in my head..

Silence the sound of my heart breaking..

self fulfilling

*WOW MAY UPDATE AKO*

"so you're really leaving," he said breaking the silence. we have been sitting next to each other quietly for some time now till he said that. i didnt even know if i wanted to talk, ans so i sighed and said what i could only think of to say.. "so you're really getting married?"

he stood from where he sat and knelt down in front of me so he could level with my eyes. he placed his hands on my knees and started groping for words, "you know why i'm doing what i'm doing, i have to own up to my mistakes.. man up.. face--"

"you dont have to explain," i said cutting into his sentence, "at least not to me." i tried my best to smile.

he shook his head, stoop up and walked a few steps away, "why?" he asked.

'why what?" i asked back laughing, trying to mask the sadness that i was feeling, feigning innocence , pretending i didnt know why he was asking what he was asking.

he turned around to look at me, "why are you leaving?"

once again i let out a sigh, "why not?" i couldnt bear to look at him, so i looked afar before i said, "there's no reason to stay..."

when i didnt hear him say anything, i looked back at him and motioned for him to sit back down next to me. "truth is.. i prayed for so long that you'd choose me, cried many nights because you never did, went crazy trying not to be obvious about it and finally feeling stupid about the whole thing." i paused to breathe, "funny thing is, i still love you, that im still completely sane but insanely in love with you," i had to smile hearing myself finally admit it out loud.

"and it hurt.. it still hurts, knowing that we can never be any more than this." i finally turned to look at him, "so yeah.. that's why i'm leaving."

he reached out to place his hand over mine but i shook my head and took my hand. "i most probably will not be in touch," i said and then i stood up to leave. i resolved to sigh for the last time and let one tear fall before finally walking away..

untitled: a sad story

PAUNAWA: the following post is a cross post from my old wordpress blog, published july 28, last year. the following post contains detailed and maybe offensive sexual terms. SO READ WITH CAUTION OR DONT READ AT ALL.. the discalimer below is the same one i wrote back when i published this post.

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DISCLAIMER: I WAS NOT MYSELF AGAIN, AS I ATTEMPTED TO WRITE A SENSUAL POST. HAHHAHA.. BAKA BASTOS ANG DATING! SO NGAUN PA LANG, KUNG DI KA OPENMINDED O DI SADYANG BASTOS KA LANG, WAG KA NA MAGBASA!!

PS PAGBIGAN NYO NA KO.. AHIHIH GANYAN TALAGA ANG MGA DI PINGAPALA :p

i dont really recall how we got here.. one minute i was refusing to hold his hand and now, here we are in his room, kissing each other with so much passion and enthusiasm, you’d think this was one’s last kiss..

he stopped momentarily, stared me square in the eyes, grabbed my neck with his right hand and brushed my lips with his fingers. i looked up to him, he towered a few inches over me. what could he be thinking? is he thinking that i was too easy? that i was probably playing when i refused to take his hand? or was he thinking, “oh god! i shouldnt be doing this with her, this is unfair, but i cant really stop.” that last thought made me smile. knowing that he wanted me made me smile. im not sure why exactly but it did. once again he ran his fingers through my lips and i seductively sucked on them. he smiled when i did that but as the smile faded away, i saw the hesitance in his eyes. he probably has the same questions as i did.. probably wanted to talk this over too before we go on..

“dont stop,” i told him pulling his body closer to mine.

“but..” was all he managed to say, the hesitance now more evident with his body movement.

“i dont care,” i looked him in the eyes. “i dont care about next week, tomorrow, i dont even care about later, after all this is done. i dont care about what will or may happen. all i know is that i want this. i want you.” i leaned close to his ears and whispered, “so, please dont stop.”

with these words, he began to kiss my neck and work his way to my ears, my cheeks and back to my lips.

in a matter of what seemed to be like seconds, we were already naked in his bed.

the lights were off but his bedside lamp was on and i could clearly see him, kiss his way down on me. all i could managed as he did his thing was moan at the pleasure of his lips on my skin. i was scared at first when i first hinted his hesitation, i havent done this for so long, i was scared i dont know what to do, but his leading was perfect and i couldnt have had it any other way.

as he kissed my belly button, he stopped and made his way up to my face. i could feel the tip of his being, teasing to enter me, but he stayed calmly, smiling devilishly on top of me. he was about to say something when i told him, “dont stop. please dont stop.” and with that i pulled him towards me. i felt him enter me and it sent a stab of pain on me, but once he started moving expertly on top me, the pleasure of him inside me was heaven.

i quickly caught up with his rythym and even managed to roll him on his back, as i mounted him and rocked back and forth. i didnt care how i looked at that moment, i didnt even care what he thought of me. all i knew was that, i wanted this and if it wasnt with him, then it’ll just be some other guy. but i knew that i wanted to get laid. i needed to get laid, it just might be a bonus that it was with him (the person that i just happen to start falling in love with) , i was sharing this passsionate experience with.

and it may also be that i havent had sex in a long time that i felt that when i felt that i was nearing the end of the experience, i almost screamed with satisfaction that i was coming.

quickly, he pulled me down on the bed and moved on top of me. as i felt it coming, i closed my eyes and felt unexplainable pleasure washed over me. my grip on his arms started to loosen and when i opened my eyes, he smiled at me and started thrusting with twice as much fervor. i felt him explode inside and then he lay on top of me exhausted for a few seconds.

after so, he rolled on his back, still not letting me go. i rested in his chest and for some time we just listened to each other’s heavy breathing. my ears in his chest, i felt and heard his heart slow down into its normal beating. he sighed a sigh of relief, i looked up to him and said, “im going to take a shower,” before he had a chance to say anything else. i grabbed his blanket and walked to the bathroom.

in the shower, things started to dawn on me and i began entertainting thoughts as to why he has hesitant about why we did what we just did. i practiced trying to act nonchantly, as i was preparing to see him when i stepped out of the bathroom door.
But in the bedroom, i saw him barely clothed, fast asleep in the bed; our clothes still sprawled on the floor. reality hit me, he is not mine and i am not his. what just happened was more of our bodies wanting to be satisfied and not the dance of two people in love.

i quickly gathered my clothes and dressed. i made sure i didnt wake him up and then i left. i left. without saying anything, without leaving a note, without letting him know..

i left.

the test

we were standing in his bathroom, waiting for the test that would decide our future.

he was sitting on the toilet, elbows on knees, hands clasped together and head bent. i was leaning by the bathroom sink alternately looking at him and at the test.

he looks up at no one and says, “matagal pa ba?”

i looked at my watch, time seems to move especially slow, “three more minutes,” i told him. “the test says five minutes.”

he looks up again, this time at me. “dont do that,” he says out of the blue.

“do what?” i asked. i was unconsciously drumming my fingers on the bathroom sink.

“that,” he says, pointing out to my fingers. i crossed my arms instead, as anxious as he is.

he cant take the waiting. he stands up, paces across his little bathroom floor twice, stops and heads out the door. i watch him close the door on me. i looked at my watch, my vision clouded by the tears in my eyes.

he comes back inside, takes my hand and says, “marry me.” i look at him stunned, “marry me,” he says, “whatever that test says, marry me. i want to do right by you. marry me.” he kept repeating the words “marry me” as if he wanted to convince himself more than he wanted to convinced me.

i cupped his face in my hands and kissed him with my eyes closed. i smile as our lips parted, when i opened my eyes, his eyes were still closed. and as gently as i could i said, “no.” surprised, he opened his eyes, releases himself from me and started to pace the room again.

“why?”

“because..”

he stopped and looked at me, “because what?”

i shook my head, “why do you want to marry me?”

“because we might have a baby together and i want to do right by you, i told you already.”

“what if the test turns out negative, what then?” i looked at him and he didnt answer. “do you love me?”

“i want to do right by you,” he says again.

i smiled, “you said that already.” i waited for him to look at me again and i said, “i know you have plans and things to do, i dont want to keep you from that, just because we may be having a baby together. im not about to keep you from your dreams. besides, i dont want to be one of those women who gets married because they’re pregnant. marriage is sacred, shared between two people who love each other, which unfortunately is not us. i care for you a lot and i know you care for me too but we both know that what we feel is not love, at least not yet. i dont want to get married for the wrong reasons.”

“but what if we are pregnant, what then?” i can see so much confusion in his eyes and i badly want to tell him what to do but i dont know what that is so i hugged him instead.

“its time,” i told him.

he went and picked up the test, he looked at it and asked, “one line means what?”

“negative.”

“and two?”

“means we’re pregnant.”

he hands me the kit and i looked at it. i looked up at him and he is crying, i started to cry too. and as our tears we’re falling, we held on to each other.

we stood there in his bathroom holding on to each other, the test still in my hands, the tears still falling from our eyes.

we held on to each other, crying in his bathroom.


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a cross post from my wordpress blog. to my friend who's in almost the same situation, we're wight beside you every step of the way..

good friends.. good vibes

havent blogged in a while...

i am having the best time of my life. its so nice to be around old friends (old, not new not old, aged). you know how they say everything old is better, like old wine and stuff, that's kind of how i feel about my friends right now.

got to baguio around midnight yesterday and was picked up by shan, who skipped a few minutes from work to take me to her house. wasnt in the mood to sit and watch her work at work so went home at her house instead. she got home in the morning and slept so i decided to go to my friend dee instead. she's the one who flew in. got there and she was still asleep, so was sarah, her sister, so just hung out with her brother, rodan and watch tv, talked about our favorite topic in the whole world. no im not going to say who it was what's it about. :P

when dee woke up, ate late lunch and played with her son, deinnielle, whom i havent seen in ages too :D went out to slu hospital with dee, sarah, and david (their youngest brother) to have deinnielle vaccinated and then to sm to meet up with the rest of the gang. marshy got there first, then mitch, shan, and moses. talked about old times, friends, the future.. coffee conversations with good friends, it couldnt get better, right? :D

but mitch got cajoled into getting us dinner, since he just graduated (rites on the 17th, too bad, i wont be here for it). waited a few minutes or an hour for erick, dee's husband and shopped around with sarah and shan. dinner at don hen session like old times (BUFFALLO WINGSS!!) too bad we couldnt get our old table. even saw our old church pastor :P lafftrip all the way, remembering good times and old jokes (SCRABBLE!!) we were so noisy people were prolly wondering what the fuzz is all about, but i didnt care, its good to be in the company of friends. stayed longer than don hen's closing, like we always do :D revived old jokes about bottomless drinks...

the night was young, so drinking session at mitch's with his kuya francis and marsh and her cousin, kristine.. talked about old relationships and church. ahahah. another favorite topic :P

so much has happened and that was just on day one. :D

good friends.. good vibes.. i love the city of pines :D especially when my friends are here.


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ps. kuya chie, m, errr.. sorry about the phone call. ahihih.. love you bitches!!! :D


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after a year.. :D



dee's baby boy