Les Miserables: A story of grace

On facebook, a friend posted that Les Miserables was a movie about a guy who stole a bread and how sh** goes down from one single piece of that bread.

Tonight, I saw the movie on my own, and this is the experience I got from it.

That moment when Hugh Jackman stood on top of that cliff, right after he was refused his first job after his parole, that moment when the beauty of (what should be) France was shown, it took my breathe away. It started there, it made me want to visit wherever they shot the movie, but just a split second into the thought, I immediately, in my heart, praised God for the wonder and beauty of his creation.

So there he was, alone, despondent, hope all gone for humanity, when a priest gave him food to eat, shelter for the night. And like many of us, we cannot understand that, we cannot fathom how a world so mean, (for crying out loud, it was just a bread, and was 19 years not enough?!) so unloving, can produce a person ready to trust you, ready to lend you a helping hand, he ran away but not without taking the silver from the church. In the morning he is caught, he explains to the police that the silver was a gift, and faced with his victim, he is not only forgiven, he is rewarded. He is shown showered GRACE. And from that point on, God had me.

When Valjean sang "Valjean Soliloquy", you know then that he not only understood grace, he accepted it. He was humbled by it and received it, understood it and turned his life around.

After a few years, Jalvert finally caught up to him, but he does not know that Valjean is Valjean, and so  Jalvert reports to him that they have found Valjean. And that struggle that he has, should he keep to himself? continue giving a living to the people who is depending on him? His internal struggle to be do what is right and to justify doing what isn't, is something that we all (or at least me) can relate to. And coming to that decision that whatever justification or rationalisation we may come up with, in the end, we should do what is right, and so rushes to admit, he is prisoner 24601.

Fast forward to the latter part of the movie (I love the love story part but it wasnt the thing that won me over), Jalvert is captured by the "schoolboys" of the revolution. This was the part that Valjean realises Cosette is in love with Marius, and so he has to see him, meet him, and somehow save him. Valjean enters the barricade, helps the revolutionists, sees Jalvert. Jalvert is given to him, he is free to do as he will. With a knife, he lets Jalvert go. Grace. Once more, I am reminded, it is a gift that keeps on giving. And although unsure of what just happened, Jalvert accepts it (temporarily) and ran.

Few days later they meet again, Valjean pleads to Jalvert to spare his life an hour more, just so he can save Marius. Cosette needs him. Jalvert says impossible, take one step and he fires his gun. Valjean looks at Jalvert and walks away. Grace. Jalvert throws away his gun and Valjean was able to take Marius to the hospital.

Here is the saddest part. Jalvert is at the point where Valjean was after receiving the grace. He, too, was unable to understand it. How a man, who had the capacity and the opportunity to kill him, a man he has tortured, treated badly, that that same man set him free, gave him grace. For the longest time in my life, I was at that bridge looking down at Seine, how can someone so perfect, who created the heavens and earth, who gave up His only son, can love me? can pardon me? I am at best, the worst creature on earth, full of hate and bitterness, unable to grasp or believe in grace. When Jars of Clay said, for all I am and what I need and what I believe are worlds apart, they could not have said it any better than I could. Sing the whole "Worlds Apart" song, minus the bridge, that was me. Can't I be the one to sacrifice? Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow? Why me? Why continue to pursue me after I have failed over and over, and will probably fail over and over again? Why? Am I not beyond redemption? Am I not beyond grace? Does not my life show that I am? But that is the beauty of grace isnt it? It's a gift that you don't deserve, and truly when Jesus Christ said, He has come to heal the broken, to save the lost, wasnt that I? So humbled and broken, I come to God and receive His grace and accept my name and hope and pray that I will live to be the embodiment of my name.

Back to Jalvert, and why it is sad. The devil is a liar, he will say that you are right, that you do not deserve it, that God doesnt and cannot love you. He will tell you that God doesnt look upon you because you are a sinner and that you will never change. And he will tell you all those lies, because that's what he does. He lies. And true enough, we are sinners, and through our sins, God cannot look unto us, for He is holy and despises sin, but before you jump to the Seine like Jalvert, look to the cross, because that's where all your sins are, nailed and taken away from you by the blood and sacrifice of Jesus Christ. And that particular moment in time, when Jesus rose and conquered death, He also conquered sin, yours and mine, past and future (don't get smart, the present too). So dont listen to the devil, dont believe his lies, your sins are forgiven and God is just waiting for you to come. Humble yourself and accept His grace. You are worthy, not because of what you did or can do, but because His sacrifice made you so. And no, you dont have to be nice or kind or say good things, God's love is not a set of do's and don'ts, His love is all encompassing. And no, that does not give you the license to sin and waste your life away, knowing grace and understanding grace means living through it. No, you will never be perfect in this life, and yes, you will sin again (trust me, it will happen, whether you like it or not), but God's grace will cover it, and He will forgive.

My two years in Dubai has taught me so many things, who wouldve thought that my faith would be redeemed in a country of pagans? I have learned so many things, yet so little. I have learned grace and what it really means. I am beginning to understand and learn how to operate from it. I am far from being who God intended me to by, but by and through His grace, I will get there.

Please watch Les Miserables, but more than that I pray that you would receive God's grace. I believe that only by experiencing and knowing God's grace will you be able to enjoy the movie best. I know that some things I have written down might be a little confusing and I wish I could write down everything or answer any possible question that comes into mind, but I can't. If you do wish to ask me something, you can look me up on facebook, ayzprincess, if that doesnt work, you can leave a comment and a place where I can contact you and talk about your questions.

I pray that you will receive grace and be blessed with this post. All glory to God!

GlamBox

I first heard about GlamBox while searching for a local counterpart of BirchBox here in UAE. GlamBox is a monthly box subscription for AED 50 of different samples sent to your doorstep. I have been meaning to get a subscription but I haven't the slightest clue what my building's P.O. Box is. Today at Dubai's Christmas Bazaar, I saw their booth and was tempted to sign up, mostly because their November box looked so appealing. Sadly though, it was not available anymore and I had to settle for the December box. The girl at the booth was nice enough to give me a Bioderma sample from the November box, which was definitely the reason why I signed up on the spot.

Bioderma is a facial cleanser which is very famous within the beauty guru circles that I watch on youtube. More of Bioderma after the Glambox Unboxing.


So the package comes in a pink box with the GlamBox logo.

As you open the pink box, the official GlamBox greets you.

Opening the box, you have everything wrapped in black paper and tied with a pink ribbon.

There's a card that tells you to go online to redeem points or sign up. Here's the difference between the BirchBox and the GlamBox. BirchBox comes with a card that basically explains what you will be receiving that particular month. This is something that I think GlamBox should adopt, as for someone who is rarely online, I cannot wait until they put up the information about the samples to know more about it.

What's inside the box.

Green Bar Middle Eastern Rosewater Blend. Toner/Moisturizer, pore minimizing astringent and aromatherapy. 30ml

Green Bar Face Elixir. Moisturizer. 5ml

Gatineua DefiLift 3d. Day/Night Serum. 5ml

Some soap. I have no idea what this is for. lol

24 Gold Eau de toilette. 2 ml

CK Encounter. 15ml

Bioderma Sensibio H20.

I tried Bioderma tonight, it was good since I had make up on and I would see if the cleanser was effective.

Before today, I normally use L'Occitane's Ultra Comforting Cleansing Milk, and it's not bad at all. With Bioderma, I personally think that its cleansing properties are way better than L'Occitane's and it was nicer to my eyes as I had mascara and eyeliner that I on too. L'Occitane's very good in removing eye make-up/mascara and although it is safe, it has a little bit of sting when it gets in my eye, while Bioderma does not give me that feeling at all.


I am so excited for the January box. I just hope I get that email so that I can put in my address and they can send it to me next month! 

Holding back...

I fear I'm going to go, if I'm already not, crazy. The pressure, exhaustion, and frustration (among other things) at work is something I fear I can't handle. But I'm not going crazy because of that, I'm going crazy as the effect of not being able to unload those things.

Last night, I "tried" cutting myself. I didn't want to cry plus I was really curious about what cutting is all about. I saw something pointy in our bathroom and started running it along the inside of my arm(because that's the only place I could conceal it, I rarely wear t shirts or short sleeves lately) somehow, it made me temporarily focus on the pain of the pin. (Yep, I'm a coward like that, I didn't even use a knife, just a pointy needle like thing I found in our bathroom) but what I fear most is that ill like it, that it'll start with that pin and escalate to something sharper and more dangerous in the future. :( this is what scares me.

I don't have anyone to talk to, mainly because I'm too proud to give in to tears or to the emotional baggage of letting things out. And so, this is my back up plan. No, I don't need psychiatric help ( I hope not) writing has always been my friend and I hope that this would somehow substitute the lack of an actual person to talk to, at least for now..

Salvation testimony

I recently applied to go on a mission trip with MV Logos Hope, and part o te application process includes that I wite my salvation testimony. I wrote in and sent my salvation testimony but while I was looking for 12stone's phone number on my email, I chanced upon the email I sent my first 12stone friend, Cyndi. And I thought to myself, I should've sent that email instead because that was more heartfelt than the first one I sent. Anyway, I just wanted to share that same email, in hopes that I would bless someone along the way. Read on! :)


"Like what I said, my formative years, i grew up in a Christian environment. When I was 12 I was really active in church, and even befriended the youth pastor in our church. He just recently came back from a missionary trip to Vietnam, listening to him then, I knew I wanted to be a missionary when I grew up. Unlike other kids who wanted to be doctors or lawyers or teachers, I never wanted to be anything but a pastor's wife or a missionary. I was still too young, but the church had some problems and they ended up (I'm not exactly sure if they kicked out the other members or if they left on their own accord. That was my first disappointment in the church. After the other church members left, it was pretty much downhill for them. They lost other church members, even the then pastor quit, there were rumors about one family hating the other, and talks of people using the church's money for their own. Right about this time, I got into a catholic sectarian school, where they didn't allow any other faith/religion but catholic.

I was cocky. Mostly becAuse I know of the good news. I was confident, I was saved. I was calling Him my saviour but never my God.

In college, I tried to turn things around by going to a Chinese baptist church (i have a bit of Chinese blood) at first I didn't really felt that I belonged, most of my church friends were sons and daughters of filipinized Chinese men and women, if not half Chinese. But more than that, whenever we would conduct youth gathering, right smack after bible study and fellowship, we'd go drinking or hang out at a billiards place. The youth gathering was merely an excuse for us to be allowed to go out and meet. It was a facade. I discontinued going after about a year, soon after I was invited at school to join a campus ministry backed by one of today's most notable church names in the Philippines (it wasn't that famous back then). I told my friends I was adamant to join. A) because I was secretly crushing on someone from their church and I don't want people to think that I was going so I could get close to this person. And b) I feared that it would be like my experience with the Chinese baptist church (put no blame on the leaders of the Chinese church, we were very good actors, they had no idea that we were doing those things behind their back)

But I was persuaded nonetheless. It felt exhilarating. It was a different experience, it was a place where I was free to worship the Lord and cultivate my relationship with Him. I was dissuadade by people i knew who used to go to that same church, some blatantly, others by not speaking of what had happened to them when they were there. i thought that they were just bitter for what had or what did not happen to them. but soon enough i found out why.

through church, i came to know a certain young man. he was the group leader in our university's church group, he was then the church's worship leader and the most promising rising leader to become youth pastor (he was a senior at the university). who wouldnt like him? God's anointing was upon him, every time he led us in worship, every time he prayed, he spoke, i felt that he was passionate about his faith. i thought of him as a man of God. since we went to the same university, we would often go to school together or come from the student center together, we belonged to the same circle of friends, so it was not unusual that we would go out as a group, get dinner, have coffee, watch movies and all the usual teenage stuff.

the summer of my senior year, we became very good friends. we started communicating regularly and i even had the chance to meet his family when i was invited for her sister's bday party. that same summer, we admitted how we both liked each other but we sat down and discussed the situation. we knew all too well that dating, much more going steady was not allowed in our church, unless you are dating with the intention of marriage. and we both know that marriage was a far cry from what we were feeling, we were still both in school and we were still very much dependent on our parents financially, so we decided that we would wait for the right time to be together. we agreed that when school resumes, we would forget that we had these feelings and remain friends and that if we do decide to pursue our feelings, we would go through the right channels (submitting it to our disciplers, getting approval from the leaders). but even before we had the chance to say anything, news got to the church ahead of us, there were already rumors that i was even pregnant. we were summoned by the church leaders and reprimanded, we werent even given the chance to explain and they blamed me, as if i seduced him. we underwent the usual disciplinary action to restore the leaders trust, we werent allowed to see or talk to each other without anyone else, we werent to go to the same service. we did everything their way, but even in the end, my discipler released me and his, abandoned him.

after this, when everyone else has given up on us and we felt like we had no one else but each other, we did get together. we started dating and he stopped going to church. people from church would look at me differently when i go to church a) for dating him and b) for dating someone not from the church. most of them felt that i was the reason he left his faith. we would constantly fight about my church attendance, he couldnt understand why i couldnt let go of an institution that condemned us. finally, i gave in and stopped going to church too.

dont get me wrong, i dont blame the people in church, i have long forgiven them and every day when i feel that there's still a part of me that hasnt forgiven them, i apologise to God for harboring bitterness and claim mine and their forgiveness. what led me to stray away was this person that i fell in love with. it broke my heart that the man of god that i knew was now an unbelieving soul. i started believing everyone who ever said that it was my fault he turned out that way. and because of that, i promised god that i will never come back in his embrace unless he renews this person's faith.

stupid i know. but i held on to that, a) because i promised and b) because i stand on my promises and letting it go made me feel guilty.

but time and again, the people i love that also loves god would tell me over and over again, that i did not cause his unbelief and that if he is truly a man of god, and that if he truly believed in all the things that he used to preach, he will one day find his way back to Him.

i continue to pray for that person. there's still that nagging feeling that i caused his unbelief, that if i didnt date him or agree to date him, he would still be that faithful servant of the Lord, burning in passion of his faith and relationship with Him.

so, there, that's my life story. it feels like an excuse, so maybe it is :)) because the important thing is the future, my heart, my relationship with Him, my decision to walk with Him. "

Renewing Your Mind

I've been listening to Pastor Mark Driscoll lately. (back story: I have been very excited about my spiritual life lately, which is something new to me. Last year, I started coming to 12stone's online campus since last year and have been in constant communication with Pastor Matt Hayes of the Online Campus. My spiritual life took a reality check when I discovered and started stalking spoken word artist and Christian extraordinaire Jeff Bethke. I have always been drawn to people who encompass and exude God's grace in their lives, Jeff Bethke speaking and being one of them.)

One of Jeff's influence on me (I speak as if I know him personally. haha), is The Gospel Project, which I blogged about here. Also, I would often read him tweet or post (facebook)about Pastor Mark Driscoll. I am not sure why exactly but lately there is a prompting in me that kept urging me to rather listen to things that are "noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy" (Philippians 4:8) than just about any music or look for any music when I'm bored with the ones I currently have. This is good since I have been battling to renew my mind for the longest time (which something that I have been learning through God's grace).

In the past, I would listen to 12stone's podcasts of our past services, which was something that I often times miss due to work or sometimes just laziness. Praise God lately though, I have going to our Sunday services online and serving every Tuesday service. Unfortunately though, that meant that I do not have anything else to listen to on my down time or to help me go to sleep. (If I do fall asleep though while listening to the podcast, I make sure to re-listen when I'm awake :)

So back to Jeff, I would often times see him tweet about Pastor Mark or post videos about services at their church that Pastor Mark would officiate. There was also an instance that I saw Pastor Matt retweeted a tweet from Pastor Mark.

I have never been really that interested to listen to him or even considered listening to him, because most of my christian friends would recommend listening to either Joyce Meyer or Pastor Prince (is that his name? the one from Singapore?). Most of the time though, I would really just rather listen to Jazz music or the music on my phone. One time though, Jeff posted a video of Pastor Mark and his wife, he accompanied it with this description: I love my pastor. Blessed by the fact that he is hilarious and also preaches the gospel unequivocally. Usually pastors are funny and super soft or preach the gospel but are as dry as kindle. Anyways, hope this video encourages.

Jeff Bethke's post about Pastor Mark

It took me a while to find time to watch this though but I am so glad I did. Pastor Mark and his relationship with his wife is so cool! I couldnt think of any other word to describe it. haha. And true enough to Jeff's words Pastor Mark is indeed hilarious. This snippet of their Real Marriage series at church gave me an idea, since I wasnt listening to my church's (12stone) podcast (again because I am updated and make it a point to go to church and serve :) I thought, maybe I should listen to Mars Hill's podcast/sermons instead. And two or three nights ago, I decided to download the Real Marriage series. I know it's weird, me being not married at all, being so interested in this series but like our Just Married? series at 12stone, true enough the message is not JUST about relationships with husband and wife but also one's relationship with God, or as I like to think it sometimes, my marriage to Jesus.

I am so glad I started listening to Mars Hill's podcast, he is really funny and I love the parts when Pastor Mark and his wife, Grace would answer the questions together. Through Friends With Benefits (24 Jan), Men and Marriage (30 Jan) and The Respectful Wife (8 Feb), I have learned a lot. Listening through The these first three podcasts helped me reached my decision to act upon renewing my mind. Nobody has ever truly explained to me how my mind is always filled with anger, lust, trust issues, doubt, and/or worries. The series helped me understand that there's no mind fairy that takes these things away, and that as hard as it sound, we have to work on it. So today, I have made a decision to work on renewing my mind. I have deleted movies/shows and decided to stay away from movies/shows that causes me to sin. I am closing my tumblr blog because some of the posts there causes me to sin. I am deciding to guard my heart. It's going to be a tough one but the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ will sustain me.

I am excited for this journey I am on :)

Unsure

So I just finished watching this week's episode of switched at birth. This week, the episode picks up from last week when we are left with emmet and simone in bed.

Here lies the dilemma, emmet is bay's boyfriend, bay is Toby's sister (there's a real long back story about this buy since I'm not really talking about the series, I'll leave this at that) Toby is simone's boyfriend. While shooting for a film for emmet's birthday, simone is called in to help with the equipment as she is the expert on these things. Things begin to get tense when emmet starts feeling guilty about the whole situation and starts to wonder if e should tell bay.

In his confusion, he tears himself away from the crowd and is found by his mother. He confesses, confused and obviously apologetic about the whole situation. And this is where the whole point of this blog is, his mother then starts dishing out advises and one of her advise was like this,"you just have I live with what you've done. The question is, should bay have to live with it too?"

And that got me wondering, it's true that in relationship one who committed the mistake would have to "live with what they've done," but is it necessarily true that the other person have to live with it too?

For the one who was wrong and made a mistake, this argument is perfect and makes a lot of sense. Why put the other person in misery? Or subject them through pain when they could go on and continue living their lives?

But then again, being that I have been to the other end of the spectrum, I would sure love to know. I don't know why, I am fully aware that the reality of it might kill me, but don't I have the right to know? Isn't it my right to know?

I just feel weird about it I guess, to be able to be on both ends (at different points in time) and still be confused is a feat. Oh well, better sleep this thin off :p

The Gospel Project

One of the breakthroughs in my spiritual life, came in the form of watching a Spoken Word video by Jefferson Bethke.

"But now that I know Jesus, I boast of my weakness"

The reality of my salvation as being as definite as it is when Jesus died on the cross and the boldness and pride for my weaknesses because of Jesus Christ, hit right home. I never really understood the Christian principles I hold so dear than when I heard him say it with so much compassion and grace.

Naturally, being the stalker fan that I am, I followed (still follows) Jeff through his online activity. I followed him through his facebook and twitter account, and last night he tweeted this:

On my way to #gospelproject - @MattChandler74, @jdgreear, @edstetzer, &@TrevinWax. Tomorrow at 2! Watch online bit.ly/xyZ1Tu

And so I got curious and followed the link, which led me to The Gospel Project's website. I was definitely interested but couldnt find anywhere in the website where it explained what the Gospel Project is, (I normally look for About Us page or FAQ, but couldnt find any). The closest thing I got to answer though is this video:

Matt Chandler - David, Goliath & The Gospel

And listening to Matt Chandler speak, I realised that I have been viewing the Bible incorrectly at some points too. Only when he explained it did I fully understand what it meant for one to put Jesus in the center of your life, to let Jesus be the focal point of the story. It was only then that I really, truthfully understood it.

So I am excited! I signed up for the initial, free first month study guide. I have yet to go over it, but would like everyone to know that the Gospel Project is out there and if you are as curious or interested, or if you need to deepen your knowledge of Christ, I think the Gospel Project is a good way to start!

I'm so very excited! Truly I am! I will blog more about it when I have gone through the study guide!

PS. If you are in Dubai or know someone in Dubai who would like to go over these study guides with me, just let me know :) It would be lovely to learn more about Jesus with someone :)