untitled: a sad story

PAUNAWA: the following post is a cross post from my old wordpress blog, published july 28, last year. the following post contains detailed and maybe offensive sexual terms. SO READ WITH CAUTION OR DONT READ AT ALL.. the discalimer below is the same one i wrote back when i published this post.

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DISCLAIMER: I WAS NOT MYSELF AGAIN, AS I ATTEMPTED TO WRITE A SENSUAL POST. HAHHAHA.. BAKA BASTOS ANG DATING! SO NGAUN PA LANG, KUNG DI KA OPENMINDED O DI SADYANG BASTOS KA LANG, WAG KA NA MAGBASA!!

PS PAGBIGAN NYO NA KO.. AHIHIH GANYAN TALAGA ANG MGA DI PINGAPALA :p

i dont really recall how we got here.. one minute i was refusing to hold his hand and now, here we are in his room, kissing each other with so much passion and enthusiasm, you’d think this was one’s last kiss..

he stopped momentarily, stared me square in the eyes, grabbed my neck with his right hand and brushed my lips with his fingers. i looked up to him, he towered a few inches over me. what could he be thinking? is he thinking that i was too easy? that i was probably playing when i refused to take his hand? or was he thinking, “oh god! i shouldnt be doing this with her, this is unfair, but i cant really stop.” that last thought made me smile. knowing that he wanted me made me smile. im not sure why exactly but it did. once again he ran his fingers through my lips and i seductively sucked on them. he smiled when i did that but as the smile faded away, i saw the hesitance in his eyes. he probably has the same questions as i did.. probably wanted to talk this over too before we go on..

“dont stop,” i told him pulling his body closer to mine.

“but..” was all he managed to say, the hesitance now more evident with his body movement.

“i dont care,” i looked him in the eyes. “i dont care about next week, tomorrow, i dont even care about later, after all this is done. i dont care about what will or may happen. all i know is that i want this. i want you.” i leaned close to his ears and whispered, “so, please dont stop.”

with these words, he began to kiss my neck and work his way to my ears, my cheeks and back to my lips.

in a matter of what seemed to be like seconds, we were already naked in his bed.

the lights were off but his bedside lamp was on and i could clearly see him, kiss his way down on me. all i could managed as he did his thing was moan at the pleasure of his lips on my skin. i was scared at first when i first hinted his hesitation, i havent done this for so long, i was scared i dont know what to do, but his leading was perfect and i couldnt have had it any other way.

as he kissed my belly button, he stopped and made his way up to my face. i could feel the tip of his being, teasing to enter me, but he stayed calmly, smiling devilishly on top of me. he was about to say something when i told him, “dont stop. please dont stop.” and with that i pulled him towards me. i felt him enter me and it sent a stab of pain on me, but once he started moving expertly on top me, the pleasure of him inside me was heaven.

i quickly caught up with his rythym and even managed to roll him on his back, as i mounted him and rocked back and forth. i didnt care how i looked at that moment, i didnt even care what he thought of me. all i knew was that, i wanted this and if it wasnt with him, then it’ll just be some other guy. but i knew that i wanted to get laid. i needed to get laid, it just might be a bonus that it was with him (the person that i just happen to start falling in love with) , i was sharing this passsionate experience with.

and it may also be that i havent had sex in a long time that i felt that when i felt that i was nearing the end of the experience, i almost screamed with satisfaction that i was coming.

quickly, he pulled me down on the bed and moved on top of me. as i felt it coming, i closed my eyes and felt unexplainable pleasure washed over me. my grip on his arms started to loosen and when i opened my eyes, he smiled at me and started thrusting with twice as much fervor. i felt him explode inside and then he lay on top of me exhausted for a few seconds.

after so, he rolled on his back, still not letting me go. i rested in his chest and for some time we just listened to each other’s heavy breathing. my ears in his chest, i felt and heard his heart slow down into its normal beating. he sighed a sigh of relief, i looked up to him and said, “im going to take a shower,” before he had a chance to say anything else. i grabbed his blanket and walked to the bathroom.

in the shower, things started to dawn on me and i began entertainting thoughts as to why he has hesitant about why we did what we just did. i practiced trying to act nonchantly, as i was preparing to see him when i stepped out of the bathroom door.
But in the bedroom, i saw him barely clothed, fast asleep in the bed; our clothes still sprawled on the floor. reality hit me, he is not mine and i am not his. what just happened was more of our bodies wanting to be satisfied and not the dance of two people in love.

i quickly gathered my clothes and dressed. i made sure i didnt wake him up and then i left. i left. without saying anything, without leaving a note, without letting him know..

i left.

the test

we were standing in his bathroom, waiting for the test that would decide our future.

he was sitting on the toilet, elbows on knees, hands clasped together and head bent. i was leaning by the bathroom sink alternately looking at him and at the test.

he looks up at no one and says, “matagal pa ba?”

i looked at my watch, time seems to move especially slow, “three more minutes,” i told him. “the test says five minutes.”

he looks up again, this time at me. “dont do that,” he says out of the blue.

“do what?” i asked. i was unconsciously drumming my fingers on the bathroom sink.

“that,” he says, pointing out to my fingers. i crossed my arms instead, as anxious as he is.

he cant take the waiting. he stands up, paces across his little bathroom floor twice, stops and heads out the door. i watch him close the door on me. i looked at my watch, my vision clouded by the tears in my eyes.

he comes back inside, takes my hand and says, “marry me.” i look at him stunned, “marry me,” he says, “whatever that test says, marry me. i want to do right by you. marry me.” he kept repeating the words “marry me” as if he wanted to convince himself more than he wanted to convinced me.

i cupped his face in my hands and kissed him with my eyes closed. i smile as our lips parted, when i opened my eyes, his eyes were still closed. and as gently as i could i said, “no.” surprised, he opened his eyes, releases himself from me and started to pace the room again.

“why?”

“because..”

he stopped and looked at me, “because what?”

i shook my head, “why do you want to marry me?”

“because we might have a baby together and i want to do right by you, i told you already.”

“what if the test turns out negative, what then?” i looked at him and he didnt answer. “do you love me?”

“i want to do right by you,” he says again.

i smiled, “you said that already.” i waited for him to look at me again and i said, “i know you have plans and things to do, i dont want to keep you from that, just because we may be having a baby together. im not about to keep you from your dreams. besides, i dont want to be one of those women who gets married because they’re pregnant. marriage is sacred, shared between two people who love each other, which unfortunately is not us. i care for you a lot and i know you care for me too but we both know that what we feel is not love, at least not yet. i dont want to get married for the wrong reasons.”

“but what if we are pregnant, what then?” i can see so much confusion in his eyes and i badly want to tell him what to do but i dont know what that is so i hugged him instead.

“its time,” i told him.

he went and picked up the test, he looked at it and asked, “one line means what?”

“negative.”

“and two?”

“means we’re pregnant.”

he hands me the kit and i looked at it. i looked up at him and he is crying, i started to cry too. and as our tears we’re falling, we held on to each other.

we stood there in his bathroom holding on to each other, the test still in my hands, the tears still falling from our eyes.

we held on to each other, crying in his bathroom.


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a cross post from my wordpress blog. to my friend who's in almost the same situation, we're wight beside you every step of the way..

good friends.. good vibes

havent blogged in a while...

i am having the best time of my life. its so nice to be around old friends (old, not new not old, aged). you know how they say everything old is better, like old wine and stuff, that's kind of how i feel about my friends right now.

got to baguio around midnight yesterday and was picked up by shan, who skipped a few minutes from work to take me to her house. wasnt in the mood to sit and watch her work at work so went home at her house instead. she got home in the morning and slept so i decided to go to my friend dee instead. she's the one who flew in. got there and she was still asleep, so was sarah, her sister, so just hung out with her brother, rodan and watch tv, talked about our favorite topic in the whole world. no im not going to say who it was what's it about. :P

when dee woke up, ate late lunch and played with her son, deinnielle, whom i havent seen in ages too :D went out to slu hospital with dee, sarah, and david (their youngest brother) to have deinnielle vaccinated and then to sm to meet up with the rest of the gang. marshy got there first, then mitch, shan, and moses. talked about old times, friends, the future.. coffee conversations with good friends, it couldnt get better, right? :D

but mitch got cajoled into getting us dinner, since he just graduated (rites on the 17th, too bad, i wont be here for it). waited a few minutes or an hour for erick, dee's husband and shopped around with sarah and shan. dinner at don hen session like old times (BUFFALLO WINGSS!!) too bad we couldnt get our old table. even saw our old church pastor :P lafftrip all the way, remembering good times and old jokes (SCRABBLE!!) we were so noisy people were prolly wondering what the fuzz is all about, but i didnt care, its good to be in the company of friends. stayed longer than don hen's closing, like we always do :D revived old jokes about bottomless drinks...

the night was young, so drinking session at mitch's with his kuya francis and marsh and her cousin, kristine.. talked about old relationships and church. ahahah. another favorite topic :P

so much has happened and that was just on day one. :D

good friends.. good vibes.. i love the city of pines :D especially when my friends are here.


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ps. kuya chie, m, errr.. sorry about the phone call. ahihih.. love you bitches!!! :D


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after a year.. :D



dee's baby boy

the apo reef adventure

had one of the bestest time of my life. sabi nga ni jason sulit na sulit naman ang byahe dahil solb na solb kaming lahat (or at least ako) sa adventure na ito

for the longest time, i am at a loss of words to say. so let the pictures speak for themselves :D

banner design by rson

the view from the lighthouse

warning the following pictures will be of my wh0ring self. lol

hobbes photoshoot

i touched a real live pawikan :D

the lagoon

hobbes and i extremly enjoyed our apo reef adventure :D

jason, ioni, teya, ayz, butch, bob, euen , mark, sherwin, mike and rson

for more pictures click this link

i love books

ive finally realized why i have (momentarily) lost interest in movies.

its because im rekindling my love affairs with books. just tonight, i went to the mall to buy a book. any book, i was desperate. just something that i can get my hands on and read. ive so much fun reading abram's the lost diary of don juan, i fell in love with reading again. (and i would very much recommend that you read the same book too)

anyway, i finally decided to buy the slightly true story of cedar b. hartley by martin murray. (google it, or better yet amazon.com is every book lover's best website buddy). its a children book's or so at least i think it is. ive read through the first chapter pa lang and so far, its looks interesting. cedar is cool.

got to get back to reading. :D less internet movies for me muna dahil sa books ko :D ahihih

10 random stuff about me

ni tag ni k0ya sherwin, at dahil i want to stall work, eto muna gagawin ko

10 RANDOM STORIES ABOUT ME

1. nung second year ako, for second sem, i gave up my dorm spot because i thought i could transfer from UP baguio to diliman. but things effed up and i ended up staying enrolled in baguio. since it was a difficult time for our family then, my parents couldnt afford to house me sa mga expensive boarding houses sa baguio (dorm costs only 300 at that time). for a month, i was a nomad. oo, wala akong bahay. i carried with me my tiny reebok backpack containing my daily necessities, toothbrush, suklay, underwear, a notebook (thank god di require and one notebook per class sa college), underwear, my watch and sachets of shampoo. and my bible pala (victory kid pa ako nun). i would wait at the victory's student center and wonder who would offer me a place to stay for the night. sometimes, i would hang out with UP friends until they feel like going home and cross my fingers that they would invite me to stay the night at their place. for a month i was a nomad. december, dee (my super bestfriend) asked me to stay at their house. i stayed until they had to move houses and i couldnt stay with them anymore. again, noman ako for another month. i would eat pancit canton for lunch and dinner, no breakfast. there was a running joke that if you stab me, pancit canton would come out instead of blood. i stayed at a friend's house for another month and march i finally saved enough money (around 1500) to rent a place for a month.

2. the next sem/years, i got by through charity and pakiusap. id save up my allowance so i can pay for rent, which was always late. i only paid my debt to ate joy when i was already working. i stayed at their place for a year and owed them two or three months rent.

3. i dont know how to cook. but every christmas, the whole family insists that i do my chili chicken wings, spaghetti and/or leche flan.

4. i name all my gadgets. my old SE fone was named midnight. my laptop's odette. my new SE fone has to be named yet. my external hard drive is wxyz and my mp3 player is yram.

5. i just look happy all the time, but im really always problematic inside. im always sad and i feel always alone. i think im manic depressive.. shhhh...

6. im probably the nicest friend anyone can have. lol. yabang. if i owe you, meaning somehow i feel indebted to you, i will stick by your side no matter how mean you are to me. i will defend you even if you have done me wrong more than once. im vulnerable and loyal like that.

7. i like singing in the car. even if i dont know the words. i like singing. only, i dont know how to sing. i know when someone's singing is off key but i can never create (create talaga) the right note. i just know how it sounds, pero i dont know how to sing it.

8. i cant sleep peacefully if im not hugging a pillow, a teddy bear, a person, anything. i have to be hugging something so i can fall into a deep sleep. if im not hugging anything, even a whisper can wake me. lol

9. pangarap kong makatabi ng poging stranger sa bus na magiging friend ko. lalo na yung mga mahahabang byahe tulad ng baguio, nueva ecija (dati) o lucena. :D pero wala e, lageng matatanda nakakatabi ko o kaya mga babae. lol

10. i know its impolite, but i cant talk to someone and look at someone else as if di sila yung kausap ko. or pwede ring nakatingin ako sayo, but i dont really hear what you're sayig kasi im focused on something else. i zone out lotsa times. lol

wala na kong maisip.kaya ganyan yang mga yan. ima tag pam, NA,cindy and merryl

i miss my super best friend

i miss you, dee!